yes, i know that everyone poops. i know that its really not a big deal, but you know what is a big deal: IMPRESSING PRETTY PEOPLE. personally, i am constantly trying not to ruin the slim chances that i have with interacting with and potentially kissing pretty people. its a nerve-wracking experience to enter the space of someone you're attracted to. BUT the idea of my bowels imploding into their toilet is even more nerve-wracking because what if they were to find out that i blew up their toilet? what if i poop and there's no toilet paper? what if the toilet just doesn't flush? what if they told their homies that my poop smells? what if we break up and their cute homies won't take me out after we break up because they think my poop smells?

as a perpetually horny person, that benefit does not outweigh the risk.

i want to say that pooping being taboo stems from the fact that women are supposed to be see as "dainty and clean" and pooping is just seen as this abhorrent act that ruins that image, but i don't think that's entirely the case. i hide certain things from the people i'm interested in for the sake of up-keeping the mystery and romance in a relationship, (i.e: pooping, farting and etc.), but i also hide other things simply because i really don't have the time or patience. for example, i hide the fact that i wear bonnet because i really don't have time to constantly explain "why i wear a hat to bed" to the white people i date. i hide the fact that wigs can and should come off at night because i would rather see death than let someone that doesn't even know my middle name see me in a wig cap. you have to really earn those sorts of privileges. not everyone deserves to see me in my wig cap.

however, mystery aside, there's also a little piece of me that thinks that if i poop in this person's house and they find out, i'm going to get roasted. like my brain absolutely thinks this person is going to get on twitter and post about me like: YOU KNOW WHAT They DID? THEY CAME IN MY HOUSE AND THEY TOOK A BIG, STINKY, NASTY POOP. THE AUDACITY OF THEM. PHEW. i recognize that this is really just an irrational thought, but its definitely a fear i have before i step foot into someone's bathroom for the first time. am i going choose violence and blow this bathroom up after accidentally eating dairy on this buffalo wild wings date or am i going to risk it all by holding it in and hope i don't accidentally poop myself on their floor mattress? 

anyone that has ever faced the dilemma of deciding whether or not to hold their poop in during a date with someone they like can tell you its quite stressful. and anyone that has almost poop themselves while running to "grab a charger from their car" while they were actually running into a restaurant across the street can also tell you that it is also quite stressful. although i am 23 years old, i am here to tell you, the internet, that i don't really have 100% control of my body functions. when i have to go, I HAVE TO GO. 

and no, this doesn't mean that i am constantly covered in my own excrement all the time, but it does mean that when my brain senses that i am in close proximity to something that resembles a bathroom, it likes to let loose as if i am already there and not actually like 0.5 miles away from it. however, not everyone can make those sorts of excuses. not everyone has a car they can run "to check on" and not everyone you hook up will live near places that can and will allow you to do a make a dump-and-run in their facilities, so i am here for some tips on how to gracefully release your slippery slope into crush's toilet without becoming the hot topic in their group chat the next morning. 

1. always check for toilet paper (or bring some with you) nothing is more embarrassing than taking a dump, looking over to your side, and seeing an empty, cardboard roll. well, nothing except maybe running over to the sink and looking into the cabinet underneath and coming up empty. and then maybe texting them to ask about toilet paper, them telling you that they have none, and wiping your ass with a CVS receipt. don't let this happen to you.

 
2. get some spray. bath and body works vanilla twilight. poo-poori. febreze. the list goes on-and-on. there are many different types of spray you can buy to prepare you for a trip to the home of someone you like. just remember to do the deed and spray before you leave. 

 
3. cough. loudly. (if you need to) if you're like me and have ever had to do the deed in a place where the bathroom is relatively close to your person, you'll have to work a little harder so that they don't know what you're doing. so during "plops", i cough. loudly. this probably isn't the best idea during a deadly pandemic, but its worked for me thus far.  

so, if we're going to keep it real, i wasn't a big fan of chloe and halle's debut, the kids are alright. i thought it was frankly that: alright. it was a very good debut for two teens just making it out in the music industry. it has this sort of youthful, coming-of-age, flair that made it enjoyable and ambitious, but also very forgettable, in terms of everything else that came out in 2018 (sweetener, invasion of privacy, dirty computer, negro swan, isolation, the list goes on-and-on). again, this isn't to say that it wasn't good because it was and still is! it's an album that showcases the very things that got the girls noticed in the first place: their ability to harmonize, synchronize and do the damn the thing without losing each other in the progress. they work together and they work well. 

when the two sisters started their career as musicians, they were uploading youtube covers (all of which are still on their channel). after a cover of beyonce's pretty hurts went viral, they were signed to beyonce's very own parkwood label, which is a feat in itself as that label literally only has like 4 artists signed to it (INCLUDING BEYONCE HERSELF). and when the kids are alright came out they were merely teens and much like the album title states, despite the newfound fame, despite being thrust in the limelight, they were alright.  however, instead of lamenting about being conflicted with it all, or being afraid of it, they kept it real.

 they talked about real world problems that everyday people can relate to like heartbreak and learning how to affirm yourself in a world that is trying to keep you down. its an entire album about self-discovery and feeling "grown" in a grown up world when you're still just a child yourself. its about faking it till you make it and coming out better because of it, not in spite of it, like most people will tell you.

imposter syndrome is unfortunately a generational experience that millennials know all to well. we grew up in a world that told us we would be fine and alright, but did not give us the tools that we would need to do so. they chided us and told us that if we worked hard, got good grades and did the "best", we would succeed, but we all know now those were lies. being the best is never enough. being yourself is sometimes also never enough. and now we're trying to find a balance between the two while working two jobs, busing ass for the futures that were promised to us if we made good grades and played nice with our peers. its messed up, but once you learn that is how the world is, it makes it easier to learn how to survive.

and while that doesn't mean that the album succeeds at everything that it does, when you take a look at their newest feat, ungodly hour, you can see that the girls are no longer just "alright". they're doing quite well and even though there is still a long way to go, they have a better idea of what they want and moreover, what they don't.

ungodly hour is not just a step-up in the girls' lyrical and production work. its a step-up in how they look at the world. there's aggression. there's pain. there's conviction. where the kids are alright reveled in the journey towards self-discovery and how the affirmation you get from others affect that, ungodly hour is the embodiment of what it means when you've found that place and are making it by yourself and for yourself. there's talk of getting late-night dick pics, of being a side-chick, of feeling like your head is going to explode sometimes when there's too much to handle, of being done dirty and literally just wanting the person who hurt you to just die. there's a specificity and there's a relatability this time around that the kids are alright lacked. and its what makes this album so great.

a lot of album reviews and whatnot talk about this album being the girls' turning back on their innocence and shedding it gracefully and whatnot, but i don't think that's exactly the case. i think this has a lot more to do with really understanding and reflecting on what that innocence looked like then and what it looks like now. i don't think having sex, or drinking and going to parties suddenly makes you less innocence. i think that doing those things redirects your innocence to other areas of your personality. because who are those party animals when they go to bed at night? who are they when they cry? who are they when leave the party? people are multifacted and this album serves to explore how that works. songs like "do it" (which is just a up-tempo, party banger about getting ready to go out) or "busy boy" (a funky r&b romp about being played by a dude) could not work without songs like "lonely" or "i wonder what she thinks of me" which are both songs that encapsulate how it feels to come home alone from a night out with no one to curl up next to. 

is it a bit dusty? yes, but, we live and learn. or we send a "U UP" text to someone who really doesn't deserve it.

most people tend to equate innocence to gullibility and naiveté. there's often a judgement to it and that is why most people see growing up as the time in which people should "shed their innocence" to see the world for how it really is. its less about growth and more like a punishment for something that's not really a person's fault. the world being cold and gross and terrible is not anyone fault, but we all have to live with it. we have to figure out how to survive, right? a person's innocence is not the reason why it may be hard for them to figure out how the world really works. its the people who have shied them away from the world to protect that innocence. what happens when a person has to grow up in a world where they only know how to be innocent? when they haven't been able to use any other parts to themselves except how to be innocent and sweet? they reject it. because they now know the world for what it is, they're hurt no one prepared them for it and now they have to learn all these skills to survive and its now 100x harder because the world is also 100x worse now. innocence doesn't go anywhere when your older, it is just merely one of all of the other parts of a person and there's power coming to understand all the different parts of yourself, even when people doubt you. ungodly hour is a testament to that. 

i will use "tipsy" as an example. "tipsy" is a playful song that toys with the idea of killing someone that broke your heart. they threaten to literally hunt down this person's family after, key their car, after putting this this person "in the ground," but these ideas are sort of drowned out from under these sweet, other-worldly vocals and a sort of Lizzo-esque aura that sort of make you miss what's happening if your not paying attention. the songs even starts with a bit of the same heavenly harmony that takes you out of the moment right before you're sort of thrown back by the first beat that leads into the first few lines of the song that talks of them being "crucified" and "charged with murder." that's the effect innocence can have on you when you undermine it. it can kill you.

but, again, while "tipsy" is more a warning, songs like "overwhelmed" and "lonely" go to show even knowing this sometimes isn't enough. sometimes you feel like you have it all together all the time, but no one actually has it together all the time. 

    "i don't do well under pressure/ i don't know it all / i wish i had all the answers / fix     it all myself / i feel overwhelmed"

being self-assured and confident is one thing, but it is not the only thing. there are other things to consider about the human existence, like self-doubt, loneliness and (sometimes) the opinions of others, but, again, those are also not the only things to consider about yourself. you've got to look at the whole picture. people are not one dimensional and the human existence is not mutually exclusive to being "this way" or "that way." however, that also doesn't give other people the ability to disrespect you or treat you badly because they're also growing.

if someone does you dirty, they've done you dirty. does it say something about who they are? yes. absolutely. 

does that make them a bad person? most likely, but you know, if there's one thing about trash people is that they're going to BE trash people.

will they change? do they have the capability to change. who knows. maybe?

all you can do is either continue to take the behavior or you can leave. no one is ever asking someone to apologize for who they are. if they wanna be a a trash person, that's who they are and that's fine for THEM, but not for YOU, unless you're giving them permission to do so. the intro to this album talks of not asking for "permission", but for "forgiveness" and i think that says a lot about what it means about being yourself.

don't give people permission to disrespect you and move on without consideration for you. demand an apology (which you may or may not forgive - up to you) or demand that they leave you alone. 

don't ask for permission to be yourself, simply be yourself, align yourself with people who also agree with you and ask for the forgiveness of those who don't. or tell them to "fuck off." there's too much to do in this crazy world and so much reflecting and growth that needs to be done to remain stuck on people who are to focused on themselves to have consideration for you. 

in ungodly hour, chloe and halle have taken a moment to explore, reflect and even disrupt the dynamics of who they are as young Black women and how people choose to perceive them, and they challenge you to do this as well, because unfortunately, that's all we've got. either disrupt yourself or, at the least, die trying.

in 2015, i vividly remember going to see unfriended at midnight when it came out. i had just gotten off a very late shift at [redacted], so I drove furiously down the street to the theater, slammed my credit card down on the AMC ticket counter, and huffed and puffed my way into my seat. (middle row, dead-center, period). i remember sweating profusely as i unwrapped my scarf and threw my coat into the seat next to me and propped my feet up. unbeknownst to me, before i almost committed vehicular manslaughter to get there on time, there were possibly only 5 other people seeing the film. the aforementioned huffing and puffing occurred because i thought that i was seeing a masterpiece and wanted to get there early to get a good seat. even though i frequently went found myself in catastrophically empty theaters to see b-movie horror classics like cabin in the woods, you're next, the possession, and shark night, i really thought that unfriended was going to be different. 

why? because it was found footage.

now i love found footage horror. i will continue to love found footage horror for the rest of my life because trust me, its evolving. it will come back and i am not talking about with some unfriended sequel....(unless?) however, i saw a video where someone mentioned that found footage horror in the 2000-2010s had the impact that slashers did in the 80-90s and i think this is an impeccable point to be made.

when you think about the 80s and 90s horror, most of the films that come to mind are probably slashers. sleepaway camp, the burning, prom night, house on sorority row, april fool's day, happy birthday to me, scream, i know what you did last summer. these were all very popular movies of the time and even though they all kind of bleed into one another (hahaha, get it?), the genre kept them coming out in different shapes and forms almost to an excess. seriously, most slashers of that time generally have the same murderous-revenge plot and the same paper-thin characters, but there's something about sticking to a formula that the anal retentiveness in me has to appreciate. there's also something in the "yes queen, give me nothing" energy that these films give off by literally doing the same thing with a different setting that i also just HAVE to appreciate. and that was all fine and dandy until the early 2000s-to-mid-2010s when we got a taste of different kind of horror: found footage horror.

i know that when you began this post, your mind probably went to the blair witch project rather than unfriended. now i can sit and talk to you about how prolific of a film the blair witch project was (because it was), but i won't. i will, however, tell you why they work. as a known mumblecore fanatic, my fascination with the found footage genre doesn't just stem from its shaky camera aesthetics and naturalistic dialogue, it stems from the fact that anyone can do it. now, i won't say that anyone can make a "good" found footage film, but pretty much anyone can pick up their phone and make a movie like this. there's something so wonderfully, unnerving about a film where you don't know where the evil is coming from and you don't know who's doing what because its all coming from the perspective of a crappy camera, phone, tablet or computer screen and so, we're just as limited with our scope as the characters in the film are.

the reason these films work is because there is this sort of forced intimacy and voyeuristic appeal that found footage films have because we, as the audience, such this limited perspective and in order to figure out what's going on, we have to find it for ourselves. we're constantly looking for clues alongside the characters. we're constantly on-edge because there's not really a linear or coherent story to be told and its our job to sort of piece together what's been left by these people, which in turn, makes us empathize with them. unfriended is filmed entirely from a laptop, so my nosy ass was snooping all around her desktop as much as i could between takes to learn more about the main character. i was looking at her spotify, her emails, and notifications just as much as i was watching the actual action of the film because that's how you have watch a found footage film. it's essentially learning through investigation and that is innovative.

moreover, i think i personally am also really a sucker for these films because as a kid because they really had me wondering if they were, in fact, "based on a true story." now, i will, again, admit i am a bit of a sucker overall. i believe most people when they tell me things. a friend of mine told me they saw 2015's the walk, a dramatized version of the man who walked between the twin towers on a tight rope, and told me the film ended with him starting his walk and the film fading to black and cueing up a title card that read: september 11, 2001.

AND I BELIEVED THEM.

WITH MY WHOLE CHEST.

so, of course, when 15 year-old me sees a film like paranormal activity and it says it is "based off a true story", i'm going to believe it. however, like with the slew of slashers in the 80s-and-90s, once blair witch hit if off in 1999 and paranormal activity blew up in 2007, it was only normal that these kinds of found footage horror beats hit the scene. and i'm not just talking about the paranormal activity sequels either. i'm talking about unfriended, cloverfield, the sacrament, creep, grave encounters, devil's due, the gallows, silent house, the devil inside, the last exorcism- type films. and if we're going even further, we can also talk about films like (while not exactly supernatural in nature, but are still prevalent of the time) V/H/S and the den. and while i don't think these films are the best things ever made, i think they do tap into something quite unique that was really ahead of its time when they came out.

when the blair witch project was released, society was just getting used to the internet and with the rise of the internet, came the rise of obscure snuff films and home-movies that people were uploading onto the internet. and with that came this fear that not only could these people gain access to your online presence and thus, your irl presence, as a result, but that the whole world could with the click of a button. the blair witch project marketed itself on that fear and executed it with the technique rooted in reality (found footage) and its what these other films are trying to emulate and some of which, do quite well.  

V/H/S does this by way of actual home-movies that prey on the sort of fear one got from watching the slenderman marbles hornet tapes that were also quite popular at the time. the den does this by way of exploring our fear of the unknown on the world wide web, or, moreover, the dark web and who's lurking on there. i guess, i will also bring up megan is missing, which is gaining momentum right now on the internet for some strange reason, which also served as a sort of scary warning against talking to strangers online. i saw that film in 2011 and was barely a teenager, and it scared me  because i very much so frequented random chat rooms and was known as the one and only girl who would show their face on omegle at slumber parties.

like i said, these films were ahead of their time. and i think it would be a waste to not  mention how found footage filmmaking has extended itself towards other films like chronicle,end of watch, searching and project x, three films that i find revolutionary in terms of filmmaking because they took this concept (i refuse to call it a gimmick) and sort of flipped it on its head and did something different and just, cool. one of the strong suits of found footage filmmaking is how adaptable it is. a lot of people will say that is due to its profitability, which is probably true. these films are dirt cheap to make and churn out, but that does not lessen their quality.

honestly, i am ready for a found footage rom-com (one of which, i may have to make myself).

warning: i'm going to talk about a film that absolutely no one saw or gives a damn about. last year, around january, there was a film that snuck past everyone called escape room. now, there was not a single person who say this film  and thought that it was doing something special (myself included), because it was one of those horror films that comes out during  "dumb month" season. this "dump month" consists of really terrible horror that most studios have little-to-no hope for in terms of profit. whether it be weather, the lack of spending due to the holidays or the distractions of the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Superbowl, people just don't seem to go out to the movies as much in january and feburary, so to fill up slots, theaters fill up with low budget, b-horror, dump films like escape room.  however, again, while absolutely no one had anything to say about this film, i am here to tell you today, that was a lie. 

it was all a lie. i have things to say!

escape room is a film about a group of people who meet in order complete an escape room and win $10,000. once they're in the room, they realize that the room is, in fact, more complicated than they thought and they have to work together to solve the puzzles or they will die. and while i don't really care about the plot or a majority of the characters, it was engaging enough to keep me interested while completely sober. moreover, the specifics of one character kept me interested and that is the one Black girl in the film. a Black girl who survives till the very end, i might add!

thus, enter, zoe (taylor russell). zoe is a bright-eyed and overly anxious physics student. she, like the many others, was invited to the escape room for the chance to win $10,000. she, also like the others, was brought there because she survived a disaster and the nasty individuals that brought them together decided it would be fun to see these lucky survivors duke it out for some coin. in the end, *spoiler*  she makes it out alive! and while this shouldn't surprise me, it does. the history of horror has a bad track record in keeping its Black characters alive. this track record especially extends itself towards Black women who act as side characters that barely get enough screen time to warn the main characters of whatever impending doom that is coming their way. however, what interests me most about zoe is not only is she Black and lives, but that zoe is the "final girl" of escape room because she uses her wits and smarts to get her out of the sticky situation she's in.

traditionally in horror, there is usually one character left to face off against the villain of the film. whether it be a single person, a group of people or even a monster of some sort, after everyone has been picked off by the villian(s), there's usually one person left to defeat the evil, and more than often, they're a woman. this concept was coined in 1992 by carol j. clover in her book men, women, and chainsaws: gender in the modern horror film and its a phenomenon that's stood the test of time. in the book, clover describes the "final girl" as sexually unavailable or virginal. she avoids drinking and drug usage as well, which are behaviors that help her stay alive throughout the film. while her friends are off doing drugs and drinking and having sex, the "final girl" is alert and aware of her surroundings and the impending evil coming after her. clover also writes that this is how the "final girl" operates as the "investigative consciousness" of the film. 

we, the audience, follow the film through the eyes of this intelligent and curious person and as she moves forward, so does the plot of the film. one of clover's theories behind why this trope exists is voyeurism through audience identification. the horror genre is very male-oriented and, thus, forcing male audience members relate to and empathize with female characters seemingly puts women at the forefront of a genre they've both been exploited by and denied access to. horror, on the surface level, is often a genre that actually glorfies violence against women for the sake of entertainment. the "final girl" subverts that by making the viewer (namely men) view violence from the perspective of a victimized women and thus, making them empathize with her agaisnt the killer .however, while the trope does seemingly stand as a symbol of female empowerment, it does raise several questions about what kinds of women are allowed to be "final girls" in the first place??

now, i'm not going to talk about the phallic argument to talk about how women in horror are constantly being penetrated by objects by the killer to talk about how sexist this is.so, i've sat through enough lectures on horror to understand that man holding knife + conservative, virginal woman = sex through violence. so, we're not going to do that, but i will say that while the genre is built around fomulae and symbolism like this. in wes craven's scream, (an OG horror classic) our favorite film buff, randy (jamie kennedy) breaks down the rules as following:

   1.  sex = death (meaning, if you have sex, you are distracted and thus, you will die. however, this idea comes also from a very conservative mindset in order to deter women from having premarital sex.)

   2. drinking (or drug) = death (same difference. if you do these things, you're distracting yourself)

  3. never say "i'll be right back" (you won't)

of course, half the people that randy is explaining these rules to are drunk and therefore, are written away or will pass away throughout the movie. however, its important to note that even though randy states that these are the rules, these are rules that are forever being reinvented as horror becomes more modern.

not only does the "final girl' of scream actually have sex and live to tell the tale, but in 2014's it follows and 2015's the witch, our "final girls" use their sexuality to their advantage in order to defeat the evil oppressing them. moreover, in scream, sidney (neve campbell) talks about how unlike the typical "final girl" she is. i mean, most of them are bookish and quiet and sidney is that to an extent, but she does fully punch a bitch in the face. hell, sidney even fully shoots the killer again after they're on the group because she fears they may come back. moreover, in 2019's ready or not and 2011's you're next, we have two women who are actively hunting the people after them. this is, again, unlike the women of before who are simply just trying to get away. in 2019's midsommar, dani (florence pugh) is the only one that questions the behavior of the cult and moreover, ends up falling in align with them and murdering her fuckboy boyfriend. 

good for them, right? but where does that leave Black women?

and so, this is why zoe is so important to me. zoe is Black. therefore, she is not the traditional "final girl." while we're getting better in terms of making the final girl less like the perfect, preppy, little white girl we've seen time-and-time again in horror, it is evident we still have a bit of a ways to go. Black characters are typically written off and typecast as "strong" and "funny", but in horror they are usually the first to go. this is because they're typically seen as disposable and violence against them isn't treated with the same urgency and intensity of that of white characters.  this reflects real world issues of violence against Black women and how violence against Black women is met with memes, jokes and mistrust (i.e: what happened with megan thee stallion when she was shot). Black women in horror are more likely to be used as an lesson for the actual "final girl" rather than actually getting to survive the horrors alongside her. 

and then we have 2019's us. in us, we have adelaide (lupita nyong'o), a dark skinned Black woman as the final girl. the film has a lot to say about race, class and the intersections between them, but it does so in a way, that, like the "final girl" trope as a whole, we question where our loyalties lie. SPOILER ALERT. (AS IN I AM ABOUT TO SPOIL ALL OF THE 2019 FILM US, SO IF YOU DIDN'T SEE IT, GO AWAY AND WATCH IT OR GET SPOILED):

the film is about adelaide and her family being hunted by a family that looks exactly them. while we are obviously rooting for them to survive, the twist of the film reveals that the adelaide doppelganger is actually the real adelaide and that the women we follow throughout the film is an actual member of the murderous family. the family is revealed to be a group of government clones called the tethered and they live underground. the adelaide we follow in us initially lured the fake one into the tethered underground as a child and trapped her there and took her spot. there, she made her way in the world and found success and happiness in a nice suburban neighborhood or what she deemed to be the epitome of success in america (which she's not wrong even though the american dream is mad wack). but this life was not one that could have been afforded to her underground, so she instead took it and she's not entirely in the wrong for this. she saw something was unfair and she fixed it. although it was at the extent of young adelaide's childhood, you can see where she's coming from in simply wanting a chance to survive. much like the real adelaide is simply trying to right that wrong by coming out of the underground and take back the life that she had stolen from her in the first place.

the very ending of the film, instead of having her just get away, instead of us wanting to hate her, instead of rooting entirely for her, challenges us to consider both adelaides' motives, making her both villain and victim, which is much more complex than many of the white final girls have been in the past. as for escape room, zoe gets away and unlike the other final girls, she' excited and ready to continue the fight. she's been changed by the wild events of the film and she's not going back, but the transformation is impeccable to see because most Black girls, final or not, aren't giving the chance to be vulnerable and anxious to begin with.

 however, i mean, while i'm not going to the theatres anytime soon, but i may have to rent escape room 2 on amc on demand because....it kind of hit and i'm all here for Black characters getting to finally make the sequel for once.

starring: sidney flanigan, talia ryder, théodore pellerin, ryan eggold and sharon van etten

written by: eliza hittman

directed by: eliza hittman

release date: jan 24, 2020 (currently streaming on hbo) 

now, before i begin this post, i am going to warn you. it gets pretty dark. and by dark, i do not mean in the fashion of YA novel protagonist' warning you about some dark, fantasy tale. this ain't the hunger games. this ain't a wattpad story. this is my story, and i mean, if we're going to be frank, it deals with some unsettling topics like sexual assault. if you're not into all that, you should probably stray away from this. if not, read on.

the most beautiful thing about a film like never, rarely, sometimes, always is that it's never really about what you think it is until...it is. its like when you're a kid and you're afraid of the dark. there's a noise coming from the closet, but you know there's no such thing as monsters. they told you that there's no such thing as monsters. they told you not to be afraid and so you tell yourself you're not afraid and most of the time, that feels like the truth. i mean, at least this time it does. so, you get up to face your fears because, what else are you supposed to do and suddenly your standing with there with your closet door wide open, lights on and there's a monster staring back at you. and its only then that the unsettling light bulb goes off in your head that you're staring at the monster in the closet that you were promised wouldn't be there. however, then its also at that moment you realize that maybe the monster in front isn't what was so scary, but instead, its the fact that you'd been told your whole life that monsters weren't real, even though they actually were.

that's what this film is about.

although when you take a look at it on the surface level, the film is what it says it is: a film about a girl going to get an abortion with her best friend. that's it. simple, right? well, no. autumn (sidney flanigan) is a teenager who realizes she's pregnant, but that she also has to get rid of it. and this is something that the film gets right because unlike most films about abortion and pregnancy, she, like most teenagers and other young people, don't get an option. they have to get rid of it. so, that sets young autumn on her journey and thus we follow her on this journey. 

her next stop: the local women's clinic. its there that the pregnancy is confirmed, but not without the added guilt. "your beautiful baby boy," says the nurse at the clinic as she begins the heart machine (or whatever it is called), as the heartbeat is "most magical sound you'll ever hear."  its all whimsical and fun until autumn tells the nurse that having a baby is not what she wants. the nurse sees autumn's ears perk up at the words "abortion-minded" and she sets her aside to "show her something." we know what it is. she knows what it is and unreluctantly, she watches it, all because she does not know how to say no. eventually she leaves to make plans on how to go elsewhere for her procedure, but not without calls from the nurse who wants to "check in with her." autumn answers her calls while she's on the train to new york for her prodecure, and she talks to the woman for a while and tells her she can call her back later, (even though she will not be pregnant later) again, all because she does not know how to say no.

this trend of not knowing how to say no follows the girls during their journey and later, we find her and her cousin skyler (talia ryder) in new york, clueless, broke and all without having said much to each other on the ride there at all. and the girls don't really need to say much to each other. i mean, what is there really to say? hittman is a wonder at exploring the nuances in how people who are not cis-men, especially those that are younger, communicate with each other and themselves without saying anything at all. its in the subtle nods, the empty silences and unfinished sentences that, again, people who are not cis-men learn how to navigate unsafe spaces (i.e: the whole fucking world) around them and moreover, the pressures put on them that force them to into these spaces in the first place.  

spaces that they were told repeatedly were safe. 

spaces that they know are not safe.

when the film begins and we see autumn and skyler at work, we believe that they are in a safe environment. working for someone who cares about these two 17-year old girls at what is presumably their first job. they are not.  

when autumn goes in to the women's clinic to get her pregnancy test, she believes she is in a safe haven as that is where scared, pregnant people go for answers; for options. she is not. 

when autumn and skyler board the train and meet a young man who taps skyler on the shoulder to talk and gives her his number, they think he's just a harmlessly, annoying "nice" guy. he is not.

when autumn reaches the second clinic, she thinks that she is home free and ready to get her abortion and go on home. she is wrong.

why? because they have been fed lies. we have been feeding our young people about how the world is and much like us, the viewers, they, too, are left to fill in the blanks in how deeply embedded this kind of treachery lies in our culture and its treatment of people who are not cis men. 

skyler and autumn are not protected at work. the older, creepy store manger that is twice the girls' age kisses skyler on the hand right where the cameras can't see. he doesn't let the two girls go home early from their shift after autumn has thrown up medication from trying to self-abort because "he will get lonely" without them. a store customer who is twice the girls' age invites skyler to a party as she is ringing out his alcohol at the store. 

autumn is not protected at the women's clinic. the first clinic she tries gives her options, leaving out the one she is looking for the most. in addition, they lie to her about how far along she is which forces her to have to undergo a more complicated procedure than she had expected.

autumn is not protected at home. boys leer insults at her as she lamets on-stage via song about not being in control of her body. her step-father taunts her at the table, undermining her success because she's "always in a foul mood". her mother pretends to not see any of this and moreover, the fear in autumn's eyes when she looks at this man.

they are not protected by anyone but themselves. when autumn finds herself bleeding in the bathroom from the first procedure, she is alone. she calls her mom, who worries about where she is, but autumn silently sobs, says nothing on the phone and eventually, hangs up and moves on.

when the young man on the train touches skyler on the arm for far too long before introducing himself, she looks down at this hand, blinks, looks back at him and uncomfortably smiles. the conversation continues and before she even realizes it, he's given her his number before she's had a chance to say no. and after they meet up again and skyler asks him for money for their ride home, he guides skyler away from her friend to "find an atm outside" together after she refuses to go downtown to find one with him. all of this occurs with a hand on her back and an uncomfortable look on skyler's face as she turns back towards her friend.

but skyler returns with the money and the girls make it home, but not without the uncomfortable feeling that something has changed. they know this was not a normal trip. it was never intended to be "just another trip." they knew the lies were there. they knew they were not safe. they knew the monsters were in the closet. they knew what they looked like. they knew that the battle would be hard, they just didn't think it would be this hard.

because the girls are street smart. they knew that a procedure had to happen, but not that it would take two separate appointments or that it would cost that much. they knew to call the boy from the train when they didn't have any money left, but they didn't know what they had to do to get it. they knew that getting to the appointment wouldn't be to hard if they figured out how to get there, they didn't know that the questions that the doctors would ask would be so hard.

because as simple as a few "multiple choice" questions should be, they aren't. 

Answer, says the counselor at the clinic, Never. Rarely. Sometimes. Always. the questions are easy enough, she says, that is, until they aren't. Has someone ever forced you into a sexual act, ever, in your life? but the answer never comes. 

sometimes it never comes. 

i don't know. after i watched the film, it wasn't until my partner was lying next to me that i realized i was curled up into a ball on the floor. "what's wrong?" he asked. "can you talk to me?" i couldn't. i opened my mouth and my throat went dry, so i closed my mouth and said nothing. we both laid on the floor until i got up and into our shared bed. he got ready for bed in the bathroom. i watching buzzfeed videos until my legs stopped shaking. he went to bed with his arms around me. i got up an hour later to open the window up because it got hot. i stared out the window for so long that i started to imagine what it would feel like to fall out. we live on the fourth floor. 

i closed it back up and started to write this. the words i couldn't say to my partner because i didn't know what to say. the words that autumn couldn't say to the counselor at the clinic because she, too, did not know what to say.

so here's what i am going to say now: when i was 18, i was sexually assaulted at a party. i was drinking, so was everyone. i saw him staring at me from across the room. he was older than everyone else was at this party. he smiled at me. i smiled back. he motioned at me to come closer. i waved back that i was busy. next thing i knew, a small mosh pit broke out and i was thrown across the room -- into the man.

he snatched me immediately up and pinned me against the wall and put his face next to mine. i tried to yank my head off of the wall. he pushed against me harder. i said "i had to go." and either the music was too loud, or he didn't care. maybe even both. he shoved his hands into my jeans, into my underwear and inside of me. 

it didn't last long. i cried the entire time. no one stopped dancing.

when i pulled away from him. i ran into my friend. i told him i had to go. he told me he didn't want to. i told him i was leaving. he told me "no" and shoved me back into the crowd and told me to "have fun." he shoved me back into the man. the man held onto my waist for a few moments after i bumped into him. i ran up the stairs and out the door.

my friend chased after me. we didn't talk until i made it to their dorm bc i did not want to be alone. i told them what happened, asked if i could spend the night. they said no. i walked back to my dorm that night and knocked on another one of my friends' doors. they were drunk and in the middle of showering when i knocked on their door. they let me sleep in their bed while they slept on the floor.

i avoided thinking about it for a long time. for a long time, i didn't think anything bad had happened. i was alive, wasn't i? i was drunk, wasn't i? it was my fault, wasn't it? that really wasn't rape, was it? maybe if i hadn't been out so late? maybe if i hadn't been drinking? maybe if i had been louder? maybe if i had better friends? i found myself googling "was i really raped?"  on my phone several times a day. i thought i saw this man around several times a day. i couldn't report it. i couldn't even remember what his face looked like. i started seeing the therapist i'd ghosted again after i had a panic attack at the library because i thought it was him in the stacks. she had to convince me to let me to take my free sessions and begged me to come see her again next week. i did.

sometimes i feel like it never happened; that i made it all up. sometimes i like to pretend that it didn't happen. sometimes i really do forget that it happened. and sometimes, i remember everything at once and it feels like its happening all over again; that i am 18 again. that i am helpless. that i am trapped in a basement and no one can hear crying because everyone is wasted and the music is too loud. all i knew was that no one was looking out for me and moreover, my friend didn't listen to me when i told him something was wrong and we didn't speak for several weeks after that (until he begged me to "get over it" over the phone, calling me every over day for weeks and showing up outside my dorm, when he knew i would be getting home, to apologize).

but it happened and it could happen again. but i am not 18 anymore. i'm 23. i'm not going to say that i know better because there are not lessons that can be learned when it comes to things like this. i rememebered was thinking for years, even with therapy, that it wasn't rape. that the word rape is such an ugly word. that that could never happen to me. "oh, i was just sexually assaulted," i told my therapist. "that's not that bad right?" not knowing or believing what had happened to my own body and trying to use semantics to downplay the situation. imagine being me, worried about calling a crime, what it is: a crime.

what happened to me is a crime. what happens to these girls in this film is crime. but the only person that can protect me, is me. the only person that can protect these girl is themselves and each other, if they can let each other in.

sometimes it is hard to let other people in because how can you trust a world that's let you down so much? how can you trust other people when you're living in a world that's constantly preparing you for a battle you can't properly fight. they tell you to be strong, to keep your guard up and build up certain walls as to not be let down, but what happens when you do all of that and still fail?

autumn is constantly trying to figure things out for herself. every other word out of her mouth is some iteration of the words, "i'm fine" or "i've got it", even though she isn't fine and doesn't "have it". when someone makes either of these girls uncomfortable, they sit there and take it. they even smile back because they've been conditioned to be nice and polite even if they're under physical attack: by men, by boys, by other women and other people in general, but most importantly by the system itself.

these girls have a whole lot against them, much like most people who are not cis men do from the moment that they're born. and what is worse is that they're lied to every moment of their lives by the very people and systems put in place that are supposed to protect them. its only when she's asked very clearly about how she feels that she realizes that there's a problem in how she's been treated in the first place and the fucked up thing about it all is that she doesn't have anything to say about it.

because what could you say after you've essentially been gaslit your entire life?? and its this point in the movie that demonstrates the kind of pain that generations of non-men have been going through and moreover, will continue to go through if we continue with the very dangerous precedent that's been set in modern America way before the camera has started rolling. this is because this story, while fictitious on-screen, is the very story of many others like autumn and skyler. moreover, its prolific in the way that it encapsulates this very devestatingly unifying story without doing much work at all. 

like i said before, its in the glances. its in the silences. its in the closeups of the bruises on her stomach during the ultrasound after she tries to self-abort by punching herself in the stomach. or the girls' hands interlocked as the boy kisses skyler after he gives her the money. the close up on how open sklyer's eyes are and how they keep darting back-and-forth in fear. and how autumn looks at her because she knows there's nothing she can do about it. its in the girls doing their makeup in the bathroom together. and how they eat pasties together and play at the arcade like young people are supposed to be doing, but instead they have to go out of their way to get the help they should already be afforded, but, yet, aren't. and even though all of that occurs, the film seemingly also ensures that without hope, these kinds of stories will only continue to have to be told down the line.

i don't think i ever want to get married (at least in a conventional sense; but i will go on about that later) now, i know that's a big statement to make, but i am not very big on large committal gestures and the overall concept of "til death do us part", "for rich or for poor" and all that nonsense. a lot of this stems from the fact that i am a the point in my life where i really don't want to give too much of my time away from the things i enjoy for my significant other simply because they're my significant other, but moreover, that i really don't have much to give in terms of a marriage.

yes, i can clean a bathroom and cook like nobody's business, but i also don't think i could be a housewife because A. sometimes it takes me several days to clean up one mess. B. i do laundry and i really don't fold up it up and put it away until i'm at the point that i need to put my dirty clothes into the hamper because they've been sprawled out of the floor all week. moreover, even though i've been in a long-term relationship for the last 5 years, i truly don't know how anyone could stand this behavior enough to want to marry me. however, i say this mainly as a joke much like i joke with my partner about getting married. i don't want this to come off as me not loving my partner" nor do i not want anyone to think that they don't love me enough to want to marry me. i do love them and we are very committed to each other in terms of how we spend our time together and how we make everything we do together a choice. by this i mean, i allow my partner to do as they please and vice versa. we choose to be together until we don't wanna be. for me, marriage doesn't really deepen that choice or make it more important. some people choose to believe that it does, but i just don't. i don't care about how much a person says they love me as much as they show it to me. 

i mean, if a person does tell me that they love me, i do take it very much to heart, but if they're telling me they love me and then go and treat me like trash, do they really??? course not 'cuz they're TRASH.  moreover, if i want to throw an expensive party, get drunk in a big white dress with all my friends, i can do all that without having to call it a wedding. because don't get me wrong, i love spending money on silly stuff. i love wasting my money and then feeling very depressed about what i've spend my hard earned funds on, but, societal connotations aside, marriage just feels like too much frivolous commitment for my tastes.

that is, until i listened to tennis' swimmer.

tennis has been one of my favorite bands since i heard cape dory in high school. while their warm, 60s inspired, surf pop sound has remained consistent over the last few years, the thematics of their albums has evolved with time and for good reason. the husband-and-wife duo behind the band, patrick riley and alaina moore, released cape dory in 2011. THATS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. cape dory is drizzled in nostalgia and hope and determination for a better life on some island far, far away. its playful and fun and youthful. its much different than their next release, young & old (a similarly fun album about what it feels to grow up while you're still growing up) and its much different than their next releases ritual in repeat (a more mature album that's less about overseas traveling and more internal soul-searching) and yours conditionally (a more confident rendition of the same self-efficacy demonstrated in the last album). however, the differences between the sounds of those albums and what is going on in this new release, swimmer, is that there's a much more mature understanding in how finding yourself can make you a better person for the ones you love and how it is that kind of love and, thus, matrimony is what's kept the band together for almost a decade. 

alaina and patrick are married and they're life partners, but they weren't always this madly in love. they met in college and were strictly platonic friends for a long time before it turned into a conventional partnership/relationship."one day i was just living with him and then one day we were married," alaina stated in an interview with 303 magazine. i think this distinction is so important because often, people do get too attached to these sorts of titles. not to say that they're not important, but i know for me, sometimes when i get into a new relationship, i lose sight of being in a relationship with that person due to the fact that i feel forced to have to call it something for it to feel valid. in reflecting on my past few relationships, i've often been told something along the lines of "you really think i like you less than i do. i like you a lot, but you don't seem to think that i do." and a lot of that is on me because of my #anxiousattachmentstyle and my mommy and daddy issues, but i think a lot of it also comes from me not being real with myself and constantly looking for understanding from people who are not in my relationship because i didn't want to come to terms with my own insecurities. 

whenever i felt insecure in a relationship, i would asked my friends about it, looking for validation because i didn't want to feel crazy. either they'd tell me my feelings were valid and that the other person was messing up or they'd tell me that i was acting crazy and that i needed to stop feeling the way that i did, but neither of those helped me understand why i was feeling that way that i did nor did they help me feel any less crazy. yes, i should have been going to the person i was in a relationship about my concerns. yes, i also probably should have been going to therapy consistently. btu did i learn my lesson and grow from all of these mishaps in my relationships? HELL YES, which sort of makes it all worth it in the long run because, here i am, writing about all of this nonsense as sort of an outlet for understanding why i am the way i am. for alaina and patrick, the outlet in which they've come to understand themselves and  their relationship is their music and swimmer is a sort of a smooth-yet-simultaneous contention and tribute towards this dilemma of how you learn how to define your own relationship and become comfortable with it when you have all of these outside obstacles trying to lead you astray.

unlike the personable obstacles that are my friends, swimmer deals with more mature obstacles like death, grief and other insecurities that come with realizing that you're at the point in your life that you can say, "wow, im old" and actually reflect on what that means. the opener, "i'll haunt you" (which feels more like an closer than anything, but that's just me) is an eerie testament to the whole "wow, i'm old." it's about the process of physically feeling your youth leave your body, but not in the way where people think that suddenly you hit menopause and then you're like "damn i'm old. i imagine the process is like "wow, when are things going to change for me. i know they are, so when is going to feel like it?" and then BOOM! you're looking at the world around you and you're like, WOW I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON THIS FLOATING ROCK FOR QUITE SOME TIME, THEREFORE, I AM OLD. 

"echoes" sort of deals with this same dilemma as it relays alaina's time in the hospital because what else does one have to do in the hospital other than reflect?? although it brings up memories of the breezy sounds of past albums, its truly a track about mere reflection. as she states in the song, "those days are gone" and she's left to replay them in her head, but now with this sort of comfort in the fact that when you're old, having someone by your side makes looking back all the more worthwhile. the next track "swimmer" continues with the same sort of sentiment, but in looking back at all the things that maybe you didn't do that you wish you had or the times you'd wish you shared with someone. for alaina, a lof of that is learning to swim (HENCE THE TITLE) because as much as she enjoys sailing and the ocean, she doesn't know how to swim and well....SAME. WATER IS SCARY.

however, as much as the album is about reflection on how it feels to grow up and moreover, coming to the realization that you are, in fact, growing up, it is also album about how differently people seem to operate once they're older. (i.e: namely in relationships). 

"need your love", "how to forgive" and "runner" are three songs that exist as companion pieces to one another about how this process works. "need your love" talks about how fine and dandy love is, but to a point. beacause you literally do not need anyone else to feel whole becuase people will disappoint you to the point where you will probably treat them like they died and that's okay (literally the idea of comparing needing somone to being struck by lightening is either the most bitter or the most brillant thing ever, or both). 

"how to forgive" is about realizing that some people are quite frankly trash and may not deserve forgiveness for hurting your feelings. and while your feelings of hurt are valid, you do have to do something about it. i love being petty and if i could hold a grudge for forever, i definitely would because that's just how i am and it would be so "easy", ;like she says in the song, but who the hell is that helping by doing that? one day, you're going to wake up and realize a million years later that you've probably  forgiven this person without realizing it, so why not do it sooner rather than later? 

and lastly, as much as "runner" is about love, its also about religion. there are  motifs of "becoming a grain of salt" and the "promised land" and "famine", and all that nonsense and  theyare all godly as fuck. while i could go into about what those sort of religious motifs mean, (which i mean, i can't because i haven't been to church in ages), they really are there to talk about why it's really hard to move on. and that's because trauma and pain never really leave us. yes, we can forgive and forget and we can move on, but it will always be with us in some manner or another. in the bible, this man named lott is supposed to dip with his family because the town is burning. they leave, and they're not supposed to look back and just keep it moving. lott's wife does and she is punished and turned into a grain of salt. 

why? oh, because god said so. 

but should she have been punished is something that think is up for some sort of debate beacause OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO LOOK BACK ON HER BURNING HOMETOWN. WHO WOULDN'T?? TF?? and while god seemingly punishes this woman for looking back, i think the song is trying to say that while you do have to do something about these negative emotions and forgiving them would be appropriate, its hard decision to make, and only you can decide what's best for you.

my first experiences with swimmer, were with "runner" and "need your love." although i was particular about "need your love" due to the fact that i felt i didn't need any damn body and that i wholly loved myself enough to not need anyone. i know now that this was a lie. i do need people to love. i have people that i love. we all need people in lives to love. when i first heard the album as a whole, (on valentine's day of all the damn days) i was in a very different place in my life than i am now. i was head over heels for someone, but didn't really know how to describe that feeling. (like you ever stare into nigga's eyes in the club and feel 57 years go by?? YES, THAT KIND OF FEELING. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, LEAVE ME ALONE) i was constantly being told by other people that my concerns and anxieties about these feelings were not valid. and moreover, i was stuffing all these feelings down and not unpacking them because i was afraid to. all of this is a recipe for distaster especially when you are hearing lyrics like "every little bead of sweat / feel it running down my neck / when you look at me like that / feeling like we can't go back" and you start remembering when 57 years passed by in one night at the club and using that as a form of validation and comfort when that's really not what that is. now, i can safely see how damaged i was and how ill-fitted i was for that kind of deep connection. not that i didn't deserve it, but that i could not appreciate it for what it was because i wasn't ready for it. and again, this isn't to say that i am ready to have these sorts of connections now becuase i do still have work to do, but i recognize whatever life throws at me is an oppurtunity for growth in the long-term.

and swimmer and tennis' overall career proves that while that process might be long and daunting, its all worthwhile looking back if you want it to be. moreover, it proves that being a romantic at heart can't save you from that process. however, you can save yourself a lifetime of therapy bills and just go along with it and live. and if there comes a point in your life that you decide, "hey i want to be married. im going to get married", awesome! please invite me to your wedding if this post has given you the confidence to go and get married.

if not, that's also okay. we can still have a party anyways.

so, i "borrowed" a diva cup from [redacted] last week and it was amazing. not the act of "borrowing", but the actual product itself. i've been a big user of tampons for a while now and trust me, that wasn't an easy step. for the longest time, i was very anti-tampon and just preferred the big, bloody butt diaper that i called a pad. however, one day, tampons were all that my roommate had and i was far too lazy, so i snuck a few to get me through my unusually short period (3 days!!!) and went about my day.

now don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad transition. did i have to use a youtube tutorial made for teenagers to get me through the process of getting the generic kotex rod shoved up inside me? absolutely. however, after about 20 minutes of patiently sitting spread eagle over the toilet bowl and getting to know my bits better than my gynecologist (who am i kidding; i don't have a primary physcian. i'm not a baby), i left the bathroom feeling like an rap video hoe in a young money music video: accomplished, slightly embarrassed and a little chaffed. i did have to venture into the bathroom several times that day to "adjust" because it definitely felt like a paper rod had been shoved up my vagina, which feels just how it sounds.

ultimately, after a few tries, i got used to it and could not feel the sucker ever. however, that first time did almost traumatize me and what surprises me is that no one ever really prepares you for putting in a tampon for the first time. all i ever heard about the process was how "easy it was" or how "you'd never use another pad again." they didn't tell me how i'd essentially be giving myself an annual checkup with a foot propped up on the edge of the tub. they didn't tell me that my fingers would probably start hurting from holding my actual vagina open for so long. they really also didn't tell me that tampons should match your flow. how was i supposed to know you couldn't use a super jumbo absorbent tampon with a light little flow like mine?? because i didn't. all i knew is that i put that thing inside me and it made me feel like my vagina had rug burn and it was then that i learned my lesson: always look at the damn box before you buy something that literally goes inside of you.

 and so, that leads me to my next escapade at the supermarket: the one where i got the infamous diva cup. it was a weekday afternoon. i made my roommate take me to the store because i could feel the wave coming upon me and i was without any instruments for my menses. i could have taken a few of my other roommates to hold me over until it was over, but unfortunately, she only had those damn super absorbent tampons. as i learned my lesson beforehand, i bit the bullet and made my way to the store.

the menses aisle of the store is honestly one of the most exciting aisles of the store and i don't really know why. i'll preface this by saying that when i say "exciting" i really mean colorful. there are only so many colors of the rainbow, but tampon companies really doubled down on the bright, fun colors for whatever reason. maybe its so that people will notice that they're all different. maybe they want to trick people into thinking periods are fun (hint: they aren't), or maybe i'm just overthinking it, but overall, the menses aisle always seems to have a lot going on. while my first instinct was to grab a box of tampons, the diva cup caught my eye for some reason that day. maybe it was the toilet paper pad that i had soaking up the crime scene in my pants or maybe it was the fact that i planned on getting the stores, "buy none, get one free deal", but after twenty minutes of holding it in my hands, i decided to go with the flow and just try it out.

and honestly, its not that bad. its new, so i do get the sentiment of  "i can't wait to get my next period" that frequently comes from the commercials of these products. however, a lot of that comes with the fascination that i am literally pulling a suction cup in and out of my vagina. i'm not one of the white women in the commercials doing yoga in their diva cup or laughing while eating a salad. i am spread eagle over my toilet, yelling over the phone to my homosexual best friend about how hard i'm kegeling and giving strangers the side for staring at me while i'm cleaning my cup in the sink of a public bathroom. however, even though all of this feels terrible, i feel like the white women laughing at a salad in the tampon commercials and that is because i am not ashamed of my period anymore.

there's a lot of people that i have talked to in the last few months about how gross they feel talking about their period. and that's so valid because they are, in fact, gross sometimes. do you know how many times i've woken up thinking i've peed myself only to find that i've actually bled through a full pad and my underwear onto my sheets? do you know how many times i've woken up in someone else's bed thinking i've peed myself only to find out i've bled through my skivvies? do you know how many makeshift pads i've made out of toilet paper, receipts and etc. when mother nature decides to spring up on me out of nowhere? (on a side note: do those machines in the bathroom even work?? i've used one probably once in my life. once. moreover, period products should be free. period.) do you know how many time i have googled "can you go swimming with a pad on?" and then gone on to do that thinking that it would be "different this time" when in fact, it is just a bad idea in general. so, its safe to say: periods suck and moreover, i am not very good at keeping track of them, when they're coming, and when i need to get things done. that's a whole fact, but i don't think there's any reason for anyone to feel ashamed about getting them because shit happens. and unfortunately for me, i kind of have to deal with them for the foreseeable future, so i'm not going to let anyone make feel any worse about them than i already do. i'll deal with the sheet stains and dry cleaning bills when i have to, but i refuse to be side-eyed by some Karen in the public bathroom for handling my business for my body in the sink.

but also, if anyone figures out a way to have sex with this thing without turning my partner into a toilet, please, let me know.