i got a diva cup and it rocked my world.

so, i "borrowed" a diva cup from [redacted] last week and it was amazing. not the act of "borrowing", but the actual product itself. i've been a big user of tampons for a while now and trust me, that wasn't an easy step. for the longest time, i was very anti-tampon and just preferred the big, bloody butt diaper that i called a pad. however, one day, tampons were all that my roommate had and i was far too lazy, so i snuck a few to get me through my unusually short period (3 days!!!) and went about my day.

now don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad transition. did i have to use a youtube tutorial made for teenagers to get me through the process of getting the generic kotex rod shoved up inside me? absolutely. however, after about 20 minutes of patiently sitting spread eagle over the toilet bowl and getting to know my bits better than my gynecologist (who am i kidding; i don't have a primary physcian. i'm not a baby), i left the bathroom feeling like an rap video hoe in a young money music video: accomplished, slightly embarrassed and a little chaffed. i did have to venture into the bathroom several times that day to "adjust" because it definitely felt like a paper rod had been shoved up my vagina, which feels just how it sounds.

 

ultimately, after a few tries, i got used to it and could not feel the sucker ever. however, that first time did almost traumatize me and what surprises me is that no one ever really prepares you for putting in a tampon for the first time. all i ever heard about the process was how "easy it was" or how "you'd never use another pad again." they didn't tell me how i'd essentially be giving myself an annual checkup with a foot propped up on the edge of the tub. they didn't tell me that my fingers would probably start hurting from holding my actual vagina open for so long. they really also didn't tell me that tampons should match your flow. how was i supposed to know you couldn't use a super jumbo absorbent tampon with a light little flow like mine?? because i didn't. all i knew is that i put that thing inside me and it made me feel like my vagina had rug burn and it was then that i learned my lesson: always look at the damn box before you buy something that literally goes inside of you.

 

 and so, that leads me to my next escapade at the supermarket: the one where i got the infamous diva cup. it was a weekday afternoon. i made my roommate take me to the store because i could feel the wave coming upon me and i was without any instruments for my menses. i could have taken a few of my other roommates to hold me over until it was over, but unfortunately, she only had those damn super absorbent tampons. as i learned my lesson beforehand, i bit the bullet and made my way to the store.

 

the menses aisle of the store is honestly one of the most exciting aisles of the store and i don't really know why. i'll preface this by saying that when i say "exciting" i really mean colorful. there are only so many colors of the rainbow, but tampon companies really doubled down on the bright, fun colors for whatever reason. maybe its so that people will notice that they're all different. maybe they want to trick people into thinking periods are fun (hint: they aren't), or maybe i'm just overthinking it, but overall, the menses aisle always seems to have a lot going on. while my first instinct was to grab a box of tampons, the diva cup caught my eye for some reason that day. maybe it was the toilet paper pad that i had soaking up the crime scene in my pants or maybe it was the fact that i planned on getting the stores, "buy none, get one free deal", but after twenty minutes of holding it in my hands, i decided to go with the flow and just try it out.

and honestly, its not that bad. its new, so i do get the sentiment of  "i can't wait to get my next period" that frequently comes from the commercials of these products. however, a lot of that comes with the fascination that i am literally pulling a suction cup in and out of my vagina. i'm not one of the white women in the commercials doing yoga in their diva cup or laughing while eating a salad. i am spread eagle over my toilet, yelling over the phone to my homosexual best friend about how hard i'm kegeling and giving strangers the side for staring at me while i'm cleaning my cup in the sink of a public bathroom. however, even though all of this feels terrible, i feel like the white women laughing at a salad in the tampon commercials and that is because i am not ashamed of my period anymore.

 

there's a lot of people that i have talked to in the last few months about how gross they feel talking about their period. and that's so valid because they are, in fact, gross sometimes. do you know how many times i've woken up thinking i've peed myself only to find that i've actually bled through a full pad and my underwear onto my sheets? do you know how many times i've woken up in someone else's bed thinking i've peed myself only to find out i've bled through my skivvies? do you know how many makeshift pads i've made out of toilet paper, receipts and etc. when mother nature decides to spring up on me out of nowhere? (on a side note: do those machines in the bathroom even work?? i've used one probably once in my life. once. moreover, period products should be free. period.) do you know how many time i have googled "can you go swimming with a pad on?" and then gone on to do that thinking that it would be "different this time" when in fact, it is just a bad idea in general. so, its safe to say: periods suck and moreover, i am not very good at keeping track of them, when they're coming, and when i need to get things done. that's a whole fact, but i don't think there's any reason for anyone to feel ashamed about getting them because shit happens. and unfortunately for me, i kind of have to deal with them for the foreseeable future, so i'm not going to let anyone make feel any worse about them than i already do. i'll deal with the sheet stains and dry cleaning bills when i have to, but i refuse to be side-eyed by some Karen in the public bathroom for handling my business for my body in the sink.

but also, if anyone figures out a way to have sex with this thing without turning my partner into a toilet, please, let me know.