how to gracefully poop in your crush's home

yes, i know that everyone poops. i know that its really not a big deal, but you know what is a big deal: IMPRESSING PRETTY PEOPLE. personally, i am constantly trying not to ruin the slim chances that i have with interacting with and potentially kissing pretty people. its a nerve-wracking experience to enter the space of someone you're attracted to. BUT the idea of my bowels imploding into their toilet is even more nerve-wracking because what if they were to find out that i blew up their toilet? what if i poop and there's no toilet paper? what if the toilet just doesn't flush? what if they told their homies that my poop smells? what if we break up and their cute homies won't take me out after we break up because they think my poop smells?

as a perpetually horny person, that benefit does not outweigh the risk.

i want to say that pooping being taboo stems from the fact that women are supposed to be see as "dainty and clean" and pooping is just seen as this abhorrent act that ruins that image, but i don't think that's entirely the case. i hide certain things from the people i'm interested in for the sake of up-keeping the mystery and romance in a relationship, (i.e: pooping, farting and etc.), but i also hide other things simply because i really don't have the time or patience. for example, i hide the fact that i wear bonnet because i really don't have time to constantly explain "why i wear a hat to bed" to the white people i date. i hide the fact that wigs can and should come off at night because i would rather see death than let someone that doesn't even know my middle name see me in a wig cap. you have to really earn those sorts of privileges. not everyone deserves to see me in my wig cap.

 

however, mystery aside, there's also a little piece of me that thinks that if i poop in this person's house and they find out, i'm going to get roasted. like my brain absolutely thinks this person is going to get on twitter and post about me like: YOU KNOW WHAT They DID? THEY CAME IN MY HOUSE AND THEY TOOK A BIG, STINKY, NASTY POOP. THE AUDACITY OF THEM. PHEW. i recognize that this is really just an irrational thought, but its definitely a fear i have before i step foot into someone's bathroom for the first time. am i going choose violence and blow this bathroom up after accidentally eating dairy on this buffalo wild wings date or am i going to risk it all by holding it in and hope i don't accidentally poop myself on their floor mattress? 

 

anyone that has ever faced the dilemma of deciding whether or not to hold their poop in during a date with someone they like can tell you its quite stressful. and anyone that has almost poop themselves while running to "grab a charger from their car" while they were actually running into a restaurant across the street can also tell you that it is also quite stressful. although i am 23 years old, i am here to tell you, the internet, that i don't really have 100% control of my body functions. when i have to go, I HAVE TO GO. 

 

and no, this doesn't mean that i am constantly covered in my own excrement all the time, but it does mean that when my brain senses that i am in close proximity to something that resembles a bathroom, it likes to let loose as if i am already there and not actually like 0.5 miles away from it. however, not everyone can make those sorts of excuses. not everyone has a car they can run "to check on" and not everyone you hook up will live near places that can and will allow you to do a make a dump-and-run in their facilities, so i am here for some tips on how to gracefully release your slippery slope into crush's toilet without becoming the hot topic in their group chat the next morning. 

1. always check for toilet paper (or bring some with you) nothing is more embarrassing than taking a dump, looking over to your side, and seeing an empty, cardboard roll. well, nothing except maybe running over to the sink and looking into the cabinet underneath and coming up empty. and then maybe texting them to ask about toilet paper, them telling you that they have none, and wiping your ass with a CVS receipt. don't let this happen to you.

 
2. get some spray. bath and body works vanilla twilight. poo-poori. febreze. the list goes on-and-on. there are many different types of spray you can buy to prepare you for a trip to the home of someone you like. just remember to do the deed and spray before you leave. 

 
3. cough. loudly. (if you need to) if you're like me and have ever had to do the deed in a place where the bathroom is relatively close to your person, you'll have to work a little harder so that they don't know what you're doing. so during "plops", i cough. loudly. this probably isn't the best idea during a deadly pandemic, but its worked for me thus far.  

4. wait until they're sleeping. if they never see you taking a dump, did you really even take a dump?

 

or screw all of that and just, poop when you want to. i mean, it's probably better that it happens when you want it to rather than involuntarily, right?

its also probably better to get it out at the start of the relationship rather than at the end. i think my fear in displeasing potential partners and pretty people by doing what my body does naturally comes from where a lot of my writing stems from: the fear of being alone. and moreover, it being my fault that i'm going to be alone. i know that someone not liking the fact that i poop and fart and whatever is probably the giant red flag that i should be wiping my ass with that has absolutely nothing to do with you and your digestive tract at all. whether you're pooping with the door open or closed, waiting till you hear them snore, running across the street to a deli to unload or deficating in a plastic bag outside their apartment, just remember, just do you.