romance vs realism in tennis' swimmer

 

i don't think i ever want to get married (at least in a conventional sense; but i will go on about that later) now, i know that's a big statement to make, but i am not very big on large committal gestures and the overall concept of "til death do us part", "for rich or for poor" and all that nonsense. a lot of this stems from the fact that i am a the point in my life where i really don't want to give too much of my time away from the things i enjoy for my significant other simply because they're my significant other, but moreover, that i really don't have much to give in terms of a marriage.

 

• i'm poor
• i'm impatient
• there are sometimes when i just lie on the floor for a few hours
• i cry a lot 
• i complain a lot 

 

yes, i can clean a bathroom and cook like nobody's business, but i also don't think i could be a housewife because A. sometimes it takes me several days to clean up one mess. B. i do laundry and i really don't fold up it up and put it away until i'm at the point that i need to put my dirty clothes into the hamper because they've been sprawled out of the floor all week. moreover, even though i've been in a long-term relationship for the last 5 years, i truly don't know how anyone could stand this behavior enough to want to marry me. however, i say this mainly as a joke much like i joke with my partner about getting married. i don't want this to come off as me not loving my partner" nor do i not want anyone to think that they don't love me enough to want to marry me. i do love them and we are very committed to each other in terms of how we spend our time together and how we make everything we do together a choice. by this i mean, i allow my partner to do as they please and vice versa. we choose to be together until we don't wanna be. for me, marriage doesn't really deepen that choice or make it more important. some people choose to believe that it does, but i just don't. i don't care about how much a person says they love me as much as they show it to me. 

 

i mean, if a person does tell me that they love me, i do take it very much to heart, but if they're telling me they love me and then go and treat me like trash, do they really??? course not 'cuz they're TRASH.  moreover, if i want to throw an expensive party, get drunk in a big white dress with all my friends, i can do all that without having to call it a wedding. because don't get me wrong, i love spending money on silly stuff. i love wasting my money and then feeling very depressed about what i've spend my hard earned funds on, but, societal connotations aside, marriage just feels like too much frivolous commitment for my tastes.

that is, until i listened to tennis' swimmer.

 

tennis has been one of my favorite bands since i heard cape dory in high school. while their warm, 60s inspired, surf pop sound has remained consistent over the last few years, the thematics of their albums has evolved with time and for good reason. the husband-and-wife duo behind the band, patrick riley and alaina moore, released cape dory in 2011. THATS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. cape dory is drizzled in nostalgia and hope and determination for a better life on some island far, far away. its playful and fun and youthful. its much different than their next release, young & old (a similarly fun album about what it feels to grow up while you're still growing up) and its much different than their next releases ritual in repeat (a more mature album that's less about overseas traveling and more internal soul-searching) and yours conditionally (a more confident rendition of the same self-efficacy demonstrated in the last album). however, the differences between the sounds of those albums and what is going on in this new release, swimmer, is that there's a much more mature understanding in how finding yourself can make you a better person for the ones you love and how it is that kind of love and, thus, matrimony is what's kept the band together for almost a decade. 

 

alaina and patrick are married and they're life partners, but they weren't always this madly in love. they met in college and were strictly platonic friends for a long time before it turned into a conventional partnership/relationship."one day i was just living with him and then one day we were married," alaina stated in an interview with 303 magazine. i think this distinction is so important because often, people do get too attached to these sorts of titles. not to say that they're not important, but i know for me, sometimes when i get into a new relationship, i lose sight of being in a relationship with that person due to the fact that i feel forced to have to call it something for it to feel valid. in reflecting on my past few relationships, i've often been told something along the lines of "you really think i like you less than i do. i like you a lot, but you don't seem to think that i do." and a lot of that is on me because of my #anxiousattachmentstyle and my mommy and daddy issues, but i think a lot of it also comes from me not being real with myself and constantly looking for understanding from people who are not in my relationship because i didn't want to come to terms with my own insecurities. 

 

whenever i felt insecure in a relationship, i would asked my friends about it, looking for validation because i didn't want to feel crazy. either they'd tell me my feelings were valid and that the other person was messing up or they'd tell me that i was acting crazy and that i needed to stop feeling the way that i did, but neither of those helped me understand why i was feeling that way that i did nor did they help me feel any less crazy. yes, i should have been going to the person i was in a relationship about my concerns. yes, i also probably should have been going to therapy consistently. btu did i learn my lesson and grow from all of these mishaps in my relationships? HELL YES, which sort of makes it all worth it in the long run because, here i am, writing about all of this nonsense as sort of an outlet for understanding why i am the way i am. for alaina and patrick, the outlet in which they've come to understand themselves and  their relationship is their music and swimmer is a sort of a smooth-yet-simultaneous contention and tribute towards this dilemma of how you learn how to define your own relationship and become comfortable with it when you have all of these outside obstacles trying to lead you astray.

unlike the personable obstacles that are my friends, swimmer deals with more mature obstacles like death, grief and other insecurities that come with realizing that you're at the point in your life that you can say, "wow, im old" and actually reflect on what that means. the opener, "i'll haunt you" (which feels more like an closer than anything, but that's just me) is an eerie testament to the whole "wow, i'm old." it's about the process of physically feeling your youth leave your body, but not in the way where people think that suddenly you hit menopause and then you're like "damn i'm old. i imagine the process is like "wow, when are things going to change for me. i know they are, so when is going to feel like it?" and then BOOM! you're looking at the world around you and you're like, WOW I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON THIS FLOATING ROCK FOR QUITE SOME TIME, THEREFORE, I AM OLD. 

 

"echoes" sort of deals with this same dilemma as it relays alaina's time in the hospital because what else does one have to do in the hospital other than reflect?? although it brings up memories of the breezy sounds of past albums, its truly a track about mere reflection. as she states in the song, "those days are gone" and she's left to replay them in her head, but now with this sort of comfort in the fact that when you're old, having someone by your side makes looking back all the more worthwhile. the next track "swimmer" continues with the same sort of sentiment, but in looking back at all the things that maybe you didn't do that you wish you had or the times you'd wish you shared with someone. for alaina, a lof of that is learning to swim (HENCE THE TITLE) because as much as she enjoys sailing and the ocean, she doesn't know how to swim and well....SAME. WATER IS SCARY.

 

however, as much as the album is about reflection on how it feels to grow up and moreover, coming to the realization that you are, in fact, growing up, it is also album about how differently people seem to operate once they're older. (i.e: namely in relationships). 

 

"need your love", "how to forgive" and "runner" are three songs that exist as companion pieces to one another about how this process works. "need your love" talks about how fine and dandy love is, but to a point. beacause you literally do not need anyone else to feel whole becuase people will disappoint you to the point where you will probably treat them like they died and that's okay (literally the idea of comparing needing somone to being struck by lightening is either the most bitter or the most brillant thing ever, or both). 

 

"how to forgive" is about realizing that some people are quite frankly trash and may not deserve forgiveness for hurting your feelings. and while your feelings of hurt are valid, you do have to do something about it. i love being petty and if i could hold a grudge for forever, i definitely would because that's just how i am and it would be so "easy", ;like she says in the song, but who the hell is that helping by doing that? one day, you're going to wake up and realize a million years later that you've probably  forgiven this person without realizing it, so why not do it sooner rather than later? 

 

and lastly, as much as "runner" is about love, its also about religion. there are  motifs of "becoming a grain of salt" and the "promised land" and "famine", and all that nonsense and  theyare all godly as fuck. while i could go into about what those sort of religious motifs mean, (which i mean, i can't because i haven't been to church in ages), they really are there to talk about why it's really hard to move on. and that's because trauma and pain never really leave us. yes, we can forgive and forget and we can move on, but it will always be with us in some manner or another. in the bible, this man named lott is supposed to dip with his family because the town is burning. they leave, and they're not supposed to look back and just keep it moving. lott's wife does and she is punished and turned into a grain of salt. 

 

why? oh, because god said so. 

 

but should she have been punished is something that think is up for some sort of debate beacause OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO LOOK BACK ON HER BURNING HOMETOWN. WHO WOULDN'T?? TF?? and while god seemingly punishes this woman for looking back, i think the song is trying to say that while you do have to do something about these negative emotions and forgiving them would be appropriate, its hard decision to make, and only you can decide what's best for you.

my first experiences with swimmer, were with "runner" and "need your love." although i was particular about "need your love" due to the fact that i felt i didn't need any damn body and that i wholly loved myself enough to not need anyone. i know now that this was a lie. i do need people to love. i have people that i love. we all need people in lives to love. when i first heard the album as a whole, (on valentine's day of all the damn days) i was in a very different place in my life than i am now. i was head over heels for someone, but didn't really know how to describe that feeling. (like you ever stare into nigga's eyes in the club and feel 57 years go by?? YES, THAT KIND OF FEELING. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, LEAVE ME ALONE) i was constantly being told by other people that my concerns and anxieties about these feelings were not valid. and moreover, i was stuffing all these feelings down and not unpacking them because i was afraid to. all of this is a recipe for distaster especially when you are hearing lyrics like "every little bead of sweat / feel it running down my neck / when you look at me like that / feeling like we can't go back" and you start remembering when 57 years passed by in one night at the club and using that as a form of validation and comfort when that's really not what that is. now, i can safely see how damaged i was and how ill-fitted i was for that kind of deep connection. not that i didn't deserve it, but that i could not appreciate it for what it was because i wasn't ready for it. and again, this isn't to say that i am ready to have these sorts of connections now becuase i do still have work to do, but i recognize whatever life throws at me is an oppurtunity for growth in the long-term.

 

and swimmer and tennis' overall career proves that while that process might be long and daunting, its all worthwhile looking back if you want it to be. moreover, it proves that being a romantic at heart can't save you from that process. however, you can save yourself a lifetime of therapy bills and just go along with it and live. and if there comes a point in your life that you decide, "hey i want to be married. im going to get married", awesome! please invite me to your wedding if this post has given you the confidence to go and get married.

if not, that's also okay. we can still have a party anyways.