how (not) to introduce your boyfriend to the people you're sleeping with

i once saw a quote on instagram, twitter or some random social media site that read, “why have one boyfriend, when you could have three” and i thought that was the most ridiculous thing in the world. who the hell needs three boyfriends? personally, i can’t even comprehend how people have more than one pet, much less having to spend their precious time and energy with multiple romantic partners throughout the week. a million years ago, when i was first introduced to the world of polyamory, i, too, bought into the idea that opening my relationship meant that i could basically have a different lover for every day of the week.

wrong.

this is because as much as i would like to describe myself as a people person, if i spend too much time with a person, i will grow to detest them. this isn’t to say that i hate everyone that i know because i don’t. It’s just that upon letting people into my life, there will come a point that i will treat them like they stole my bike. therefore, my aforementioned plan on building a well-rounded  “hoetation’ was about as successful as the time i attempted to cut open a reddi whip with a pair of scissors. the shit does not work.

although it took me more than probably socially acceptable to realize that there was not just actual cream within a reddi whip can, it did hit me quite early on that the “hoetation” was not something that was going to work for me. for those of you that do not know what a “hoetation” is, it is roster of regular sexual partners that you engage with. this can be weekly, monthly, annually, or even biweekly if you’re feeling particularly fancy about penciling in your, ahem, appointments. but, the point is you see these people regularly to some extent and they can be shuffled around and rotated like a pokemon team lineup.

this, again, is something that i quickly regarded as unhealthy for me because i do tend to get attached to the people i engage with sexually. however, did i trick myself into “testing out the waters” for a few months to see if i really was unfit for such a lifestyle? absolutely. was i duped into buying a dude juul pods semi-weekly, thinking that it was just a thing that “friends did for each other”? sure, did. did a man have sex with me for three minutes while i watched the office because it was playing in the background? yep. did i send out a poll to my instagram story to decide whether or not i went over to this man’s house? who wouldn’t? did 18 out of the 20 people who viewed my story vote “no”? i mean, why the hell wouldn't they?

if this did not clue you into the fact that i am absolutely clueless when it comes to dating, then i am going to pray that this blog gets sponsored by warby parker, because we both need to get our vision checked. (please, warby parker, sponsor me. my parent’s vision insurance ran out last year and i am getting really tired of super gluing my glasses back together every few days.) 

in all, besides the fact that my relationship with red flags can be summed up with this image, i did have another problem with my proposed “hoetation.” 

 

 

my partner.

 

now, being new to polyamory, i initially assumed that my be-all and end-all was with my partner. while i slept with and dated other people, i, again, assumed that there wouldn’t be another one of him. I mean, how could i handle another full-time partner when i was also in a full-time relationship with my job, my dog, my friends, and hbo’’s sunday night lineup? obviously, that also has to mean that someone would want to be in a relationship with me, but how could i even begin to find another person that would:

• be good at sex (or at least be willing to go down on me at some point)

• be somewhat consistent at responding back to my text messages (i will allow up to a 48 hour waiting period. any time after that and you're just pissing me off)

• finish up whatever freaky stuff we’d be getting into in time to watch euphoria and big little lies on hbo (both of which my current partner refuses to watch)

obviously, besides the fact that my current partner had very specific taste in television and we didn’t have sex, i already had the perfect person. how could i replicate that? moreover, how could i replicate that and bring that into my already formulated routine with my current partner? so, of course, i did what any normal twenty-something would do when faced with such a challenge: i forced it.

so here is a list of tips that you should keep in mind while trying to craft your own homely, hoetation.

tip 1: let your partner(s) know what is going on, even if it's not “serious.” whether it be one of your friends, a random hookup from an app, an ex or someone you’ve actually gone on a few dates with, your partner should know what is going on with you. obviously, this does not count if you have some “don’t ask, don’t tell '' situation going on (which is kind of wild, but you do you), but communication is important. you don’t want to end up in a situation where you’re a party with several people you’re sleeping with and they’re all confused as to why you’re cuddled up with one of their homies in the corner. I have had a few of these conversations and they’ve all gone quite well, but that does not mean there could not have been some room for improvement. trust me, if jada pinkett smith ended up at her own red table due to an “entanglement”, so can any of us. you don’t have to disclose the dirty intimate details if you don’t want to, but giving each other the head’s up at an appropriate time is the least you can do.

tip 2: do not idealize or overextend yourself for the folks you’re banging casually. they do not deserve it. no, not even THEM. i have a mental illness that causes me to idealize people. this can be friends, family, celebrities, strangers and most importantly, romantic and sexual partners. whatever in my brain causes this to happen also makes having any sort of relationship, whether platonic or not, complicated. although time has sort of enabled me from doing this with my current partner, it makes me often feel like i need to value these “idealized” people more than everyone else because these relationships feel fresh and new. It’s exciting, sexy and fun, kind of like how a single woman in Lifetime thriller feels right before things start to get dark. But you don’t want to be the single Lifetime woman who stops listening to her friends because she caught some dick. she ends up in the trunk of a car and has to be saved by friends and a random cop. you, friend, have to save yourself. for me, it takes some time to realize how much i’ve started to idealize a person. however, by the time I even begin to realize this, its probably gotten too far. at that point i am staying up till odd hours to answer “u up” text messages and booty calls because ‘they might need me for something important.`` they absolutely never do and they more than likely never will. moreover, what is so important that this person would need to contact someone they’re casually sleeping with at 3 AM? do they have friends they can call? family? a national crisis hotline service? If not, then you might need to leave this person alone because you need help them. obviously, if they literally have no one else to support them, don’t be a dick. help them out, but not at the risk of your own mental sanity. unfortunately, casual sex and the occasional snuggle can not save someone or suddenly make them realize that you’re the thing they’re missing. whomever they need to call is there for them, but it does not and should not always have to be you. go to bed and respond to them during one of your early morning bathroom breaks or, and i may be reaching a bit here, leave them on read for a few hours. moreover, if i’m not trying to answer my partner’s texts at 3 AM, why answer them for someone who doesn’t know your birthday or your last name?

tip 3: it is absolutely okay to exist in labeless limbo. not everyone deserves a fresh, brand spanking title for your relationships with them. sometimes, it is okay to introduce the guy you’re sleeping with once a week, as your friend. obviously, refer to mistake #1 and fill your partner(s) in with the fact that this is someone you’re sleeping (or doing whatever else) with, but they can also be categorized as simply a friend, even if there are other things going on between y’all. other titles include: friends with benefits, bed buddies, etc, but, remember, a label does not define your relationships, you do. you ascribe meaning and value to the people in your life. other people may not understand what you’re doing with these people and honestly, you may not understand it either, but a label does not need to be adding to that stress. It’s a word. don’t give it more power than it needs to. and don’t let other people demand that it means more than it does. 

tip #4: don’t rub it in that you’re getting “some.” and monitor how often you talk about the people you’re banging. i am guilty of getting a bit overzealous on the details with my partners. sometimes i am in bed with my partner, gushing about some song my other partner showed me or some film they showed me or some tik tok they showed me. however, it’s all fun and games until someone gets jealous, feelings get hurt and now, you’re the asshole. don’t be the asshole, or whatever mitski said.

like i said before, these situations could have gone over a lot better had i done a few (or all) of these things, but at the end of the day, who knows? maybe they would have broken up with me once they saw me eating pasta with my hands? maybe they would have realized that we were actually meant to be together and we would have crafted a polycule, moved in together into some small home in a little cul-de-sac in the suburbs and had a ton of babies? maybe a global pandemic would have occurred that stopped me from seeing them anyways and i would have to do a lot of personal growth and learn to love myself and be comfortable being alone? 

whatever happens, its all apart of god's plan, or whatever drake said.