2020 was wack. we all know this for a fact. i don't think i need to go through the bad things that happened this year as we are all well aware that the pandemic fucked up everyone's life in some facet. and if not, well, good for you, but this isn't the place for you. this a space for people working on their goals; not insanely wealthy, 1%'s that drive a tesla and have never had to put back the fancy vegan cheese because rent was due in a few days and that little $7 will matter at some point.
elon musk would never read this blog, but if, by some chance, you are elon musk and you are reading this blog...fuck you, elon musk.
this a space for people looking to learn how to become WINNERS.
when i say winners, i really just mean, we are going to become people that put themselves first and thus, win some self-respect. i think the best thing about being trapped in my house for most of the year was the fact that i had to do this to some extent or i was going to drive myself crazy. 2020 taught me how to prioritize myself, but, instead of letting those lessons fall by my wayside, i am bringing them into 2021-and beyond and becoming the kind of person i want to be. the kind of person that uses dryer sheets because its good for your clothes. the kind of person that just goes to a restaurant and eats by themselves for no reason (yes, i fully walked to a local diner, got takeout and ate it on the curb). i am going to be the kind of person that takes naps even when they're not depressed. i'm going to be the kind of person that doesn't feel i'm going to be the kind of person that blocks people and forget that they died simply because i don't care about what they have to say. and most importantly be okay with that decision even if it makes them upset!
believe me, clicking that unfollow button is as easy as ordering pizza. that residual guilt will pass with time - (whether it be over the thought of how that person will look when they no longer see the "follows you" tab next to your name or the cost of large pie vs. a medium)
as painful as it is to say this new year calls for a "new me" (forgive me). i do recognize that most people won't be as accepting of these changes. some of their complaints will be valid, but you know what? if it is not infringing on their life choices, then that has nothing to do with me. this is why i use the phrase "choosing violence" for my new 2021 persona. am i going to pull a cupcakke and release a diss track coming for everyone within a 20 foot radius of me? no, because i am not crazy and cannot rap. am i going to be actively throwing hands in 2021 with people that cross me? maybe because i am truly tired of anti-maskers, but while i don't think quite enough people got their asses handed to them due to the pandemic, i will not necessarily be giving people smoke all the time because i have other things to do.
and that's the point i will be highlighting today: i have things to do. you have other things to do, dear reader.
when i say i am choosing violence, i simply mean i am going to begin taking up space that i did not previously occupy before. i am also going to be using my voice to say what i mean and mean what i say. i am going to, again, be putting myself first and that's going to make some people quite uncomfortable, especially the people who are A. too insecure to do these things for themselves and B. the people who i allowed to treat me crazy in the past.
i usually don't make a resolutions lists because it is really hard for me to summarize my own growth and in the course of a year without someone else (namely, my therapist) telling me that i've grown. however, this year, i want to be able to pay myself on the back for doing things for myself. this is namely because i may be losing my therapist when i move to chicago, but also because i want to personally be able to look at myself in the mirror in 2022 and be like, "you see that right there, that's growth" and not just be referring to way that my face looks like.
i think the hardest part about that is because often, i feel like when i take too much pride in myself and the things i do, its just narcissistic and wrong. every time i talk to my therapist and i tell her about some of the things i am doing like, this blog, or getting a ton of new instagram friends, or the things i read about online that week and what i thought about them or just about the fire selfie i just took, i apologize because i'm like "whoops, that's me being narcissistic" and she's like "is it though?"
and she's right, its not. not only should i not be complaining because i am literally paying this woman to listen to me complain, but i think, especially as someone who was socialized as a woman for most of their life, its hard to just take pleasure in myself because often, in doing so, people like to put you down for it. i know that i am not actually the main character of a coming-of-age film. there are people and things and like, an entire world around me that does not in fact, revolve around me, but that doesn't mean i can't live my life like it does.
now i know that my support of the "main character syndrome" reads like i am telling people to go out and be selfish and chaotic, but, i am not because that would be inflicting actual violence on the world. but, get this: people are inherently selfish beings. we are built to survive and do what is best for us, so my thing is: why not just do that? what is so wrong with taking time for ourselves, seeking fulfillment in ourselves and just, taking a chance on ourselves? what is so wrong with eating your roommates' leftovers? stealing from [redacted]? pissing in the bushes in broad daylight when you can't make it to your 3rd floor apartment?
absolutely nothing. we can all still be good people with poor bladders and look out for other people while doing all of these things. they are not mutually exclusive. i just think we need to rethink this negative idea of selfishness that we've been taught because believing and accepting that there are some things that are out of my control and simply moving is not selfish. making decisions that will put me on track to doing what i want to do with my life is not selfish. and lastly, removing people that do not fit into that narrative is not selfish.
its healing.
however, if others would like to perceive it violence, that is perfectly fine. the concept of putting yourself first can be quite controversial to people who aren't emotionally apt at doing things for themselves. this isn't because they don't see you as capable in being able to doing things for yourself as much as they aren't used to that behavior and how uncomfortable that makes them because they aren't used it. the most important thing that you can do is to set clear and open boundaries about how you're choosing to live your life. boundaries that others can provide input on, but not dictate.
i also think the hardest thing about keeping a list like this is because its hard to recognize the difference between big, ultra life-changing choices and others that just make you a decent person that everyone should be doing. sometime setting simple realistic goals like finishing off one container of almond milk before i buy another one, so that one of them doesn't end up going bad in the back of my fridge just doesn't feel revolutionary enough. it is to some degree, but i think that's something i also need to shake because the big "revolutionary" changes may sound good in theory, but that doesn't that they're the best for me at this point in my life.
for example, am i going to lose 30 pounds this year? realistically, i could if i wanted to and it would be good for me, but that's really just not going to happen because i am of sound mind and body and i like what i look like. can i drink more water and try to eat better? sure, but if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. however, i will be focusing on how to make myself feel better about how i look at any size because i can and will do that.
another motto that i've developed for 2021 and beyond is this: normalize revoking people's access to your life when they cross your boundaries. another aspect of 2020 that i got behind is this idea of physical isolation bubble. only certain people that you love and trust could get in that bubble and when they let someone into that bubble it expanded and they were a part of your bubble and, so forth. i think that creating this isolation bubble and really thinking about the kind of people i allowed into physical space due to the pandemic really forced me to evaluate the emotional access that i give to people as well.
treat the emotional access you give to people like a spot on "close friends" story list.
not everyone deserves that spot.
however, again, these tips might come off as a little controversial, or, i will say, emotionally violent to those who have taken advantage of you for so long. i don't consider them to be, but others may, and so, here are some phrases that you can use when people are warning you against "choosing violence."
@babyjfromtexas EVERYONE NEEDS TO HAVE THIS ENERGY!!! ##2021
♬ original sound - Margo
enjoy!
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