i got a diva cup and it rocked my world.

so, i "borrowed" a diva cup from [redacted] last week and it was amazing. not the act of "borrowing", but the actual product itself. i've been a big user of tampons for a while now and trust me, that wasn't an easy step. for the longest time, i was very anti-tampon and just preferred the big, bloody butt diaper that i called a pad. however, one day, tampons were all that my roommate had and i was far too lazy, so i snuck a few to get me through my unusually short period (3 days!!!) and went about my day.

now don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad transition. did i have to use a youtube tutorial made for teenagers to get me through the process of getting the generic kotex rod shoved up inside me? absolutely. however, after about 20 minutes of patiently sitting spread eagle over the toilet bowl and getting to know my bits better than my gynecologist (who am i kidding; i don't have a primary physcian. i'm not a baby), i left the bathroom feeling like an rap video hoe in a young money music video: accomplished, slightly embarrassed and a little chaffed. i did have to venture into the bathroom several times that day to "adjust" because it definitely felt like a paper rod had been shoved up my vagina, which feels just how it sounds.

 

ultimately, after a few tries, i got used to it and could not feel the sucker ever. however, that first time did almost traumatize me and what surprises me is that no one ever really prepares you for putting in a tampon for the first time. all i ever heard about the process was how "easy it was" or how "you'd never use another pad again." they didn't tell me how i'd essentially be giving myself an annual checkup with a foot propped up on the edge of the tub. they didn't tell me that my fingers would probably start hurting from holding my actual vagina open for so long. they really also didn't tell me that tampons should match your flow. how was i supposed to know you couldn't use a super jumbo absorbent tampon with a light little flow like mine?? because i didn't. all i knew is that i put that thing inside me and it made me feel like my vagina had rug burn and it was then that i learned my lesson: always look at the damn box before you buy something that literally goes inside of you.

 

 and so, that leads me to my next escapade at the supermarket: the one where i got the infamous diva cup. it was a weekday afternoon. i made my roommate take me to the store because i could feel the wave coming upon me and i was without any instruments for my menses. i could have taken a few of my other roommates to hold me over until it was over, but unfortunately, she only had those damn super absorbent tampons. as i learned my lesson beforehand, i bit the bullet and made my way to the store.

 

the menses aisle of the store is honestly one of the most exciting aisles of the store and i don't really know why. i'll preface this by saying that when i say "exciting" i really mean colorful. there are only so many colors of the rainbow, but tampon companies really doubled down on the bright, fun colors for whatever reason. maybe its so that people will notice that they're all different. maybe they want to trick people into thinking periods are fun (hint: they aren't), or maybe i'm just overthinking it, but overall, the menses aisle always seems to have a lot going on. while my first instinct was to grab a box of tampons, the diva cup caught my eye for some reason that day. maybe it was the toilet paper pad that i had soaking up the crime scene in my pants or maybe it was the fact that i planned on getting the stores, "buy none, get one free deal", but after twenty minutes of holding it in my hands, i decided to go with the flow and just try it out.

and honestly, its not that bad. its new, so i do get the sentiment of  "i can't wait to get my next period" that frequently comes from the commercials of these products. however, a lot of that comes with the fascination that i am literally pulling a suction cup in and out of my vagina. i'm not one of the white women in the commercials doing yoga in their diva cup or laughing while eating a salad. i am spread eagle over my toilet, yelling over the phone to my homosexual best friend about how hard i'm kegeling and giving strangers the side for staring at me while i'm cleaning my cup in the sink of a public bathroom. however, even though all of this feels terrible, i feel like the white women laughing at a salad in the tampon commercials and that is because i am not ashamed of my period anymore.

 

there's a lot of people that i have talked to in the last few months about how gross they feel talking about their period. and that's so valid because they are, in fact, gross sometimes. do you know how many times i've woken up thinking i've peed myself only to find that i've actually bled through a full pad and my underwear onto my sheets? do you know how many times i've woken up in someone else's bed thinking i've peed myself only to find out i've bled through my skivvies? do you know how many makeshift pads i've made out of toilet paper, receipts and etc. when mother nature decides to spring up on me out of nowhere? (on a side note: do those machines in the bathroom even work?? i've used one probably once in my life. once. moreover, period products should be free. period.) do you know how many time i have googled "can you go swimming with a pad on?" and then gone on to do that thinking that it would be "different this time" when in fact, it is just a bad idea in general. so, its safe to say: periods suck and moreover, i am not very good at keeping track of them, when they're coming, and when i need to get things done. that's a whole fact, but i don't think there's any reason for anyone to feel ashamed about getting them because shit happens. and unfortunately for me, i kind of have to deal with them for the foreseeable future, so i'm not going to let anyone make feel any worse about them than i already do. i'll deal with the sheet stains and dry cleaning bills when i have to, but i refuse to be side-eyed by some Karen in the public bathroom for handling my business for my body in the sink.

but also, if anyone figures out a way to have sex with this thing without turning my partner into a toilet, please, let me know.

why "case of the ex (whatcha gonna do)" is one of the best songs ever made

so, i saw an article about "why mark morrison's return of the mack is one of the best songs ever that nobody ever acknowledges is the best song ever" and for the most part, when i saw it, i nodded my head and moved on. 

 

return of the mack is just an objectively great song. it's fun, everyone knows it, it's infectiously upbeat and funky and it is just literally impossible not to like the song. 

hell, its my go-to karaoke song for those exact reasons. and honestly, i have yet to meet a person who just stands in the corner with their arms crossed when this song comes on and moreover, on the day i do come across this person, is the day i finally get to take off my earrings and tell someone to "meet me outside." (yes, people, it is just that good of a song)

 

however, my defense for mark morrison's banger came to a head when i saw season 4, episode 3 of hbo's insecure. for those of you unfamiliar with one of the best shows of the last decade, (firstly, go get right with the streaming service gods and watch the damn show), insecure is a comedy-drama created by the lovely issa rae about the day-to-day experiences of Black women in love and life in modern LA. it's messy, it's insightful, it's steamy and perfect for anyone looking for a quick binge during quarantine. and while you still might be skeptical, i will lay out my strongest piece of evidence of why you need to be watching insecure here:  

 

BLACK EXCELLENCE!  

this show features Black people making moves both on-and-off screen and was nominated for a whooping 3 emmys this year, but, i digress. this is argument about music.

 

so on season 4, episode 3, issa, our lead character, is posting about the fun times she's having on thanksgiving. she's drinking, laughing and, of course, posting to instagram to let everyone know what's up. however, when her ex peeps her enjoying her life, he decides he's going to run up and fuck up her momentum with a dusty laughing emoji reaction. *cue mya's case of the ex (whatchu gonna do)*

 

not only was this probably one of the greatest music cues in television history, but it got me thinking, is this also one of the best songs ever made that no one acknowledges is, in fact, the one of the best song ever made??

in my opinion, yes, and probably more so, than return of the mack and here's why:

 

mya's "case of the ex (whatcha gonna do)" is iconic. period. its an early 2000s banger whose intro beat sends chills through my spine. when this came on as issa's ex swiped up on her story, i felt that chill and thought: "oh no. the mess. the messiness. they wouldn't!"

 

but, oh, yes, they did. as this song played through the credits, i sat dumbstruck at the experience i had just gone through connecting the song to the situation in the show and really hearing about what mya was going though as she laments about her new boo's ex who is also fucking up her momentum and newfound happiness.

 

that experience is not something i've gone through or at least have seen done in terms of a song like "return of the mack" or any song, frankly. it a simple and super effective choice that showcases the power of the song itself.

 

the songs hinges on a lot of experiences that people come across in relationships. moreover, at the end of relationships, especially when one of you just can't quite let go. not every break up is as clear-cut as it seems. personally, i have only been broken up with once and really, it wasn't by someone i actually dated. unlike what many of us have forced ourselves to believe, situationships are not the breeding ground for love. they are relationships that are undefined and not based entirely on commitments. they owe you nothing and neither do you. is this fair? hell, no, but, remember, if people are trash, they're just going to be trash and there's nothing you can do about it, but leave. situationships are truly often based on convenience or short-term circumstances. moreover, they often do a number on your head and heart because, for whatever reason, both parties usually do not know what the hell they want and then you're left in a lableless, relationship limbo asking yourself this: do they like me? do i like them? do they want to date me? wait a minute, do i want to date them? are they seeing other people? should i be seeing other people?

 

this is what the brain of someone in a situationship often looks like and if you think that this sounds like hell, trust me it is. even though what they want from this other person may not be a romantic relationship, due to the constraints monogamy has on society, we often feel like we should and need to be in a romantic relationship with everyone that we are somewhat compatible with. i, however, rebuke this.

 

and while i will not go into those reasons here, i will, again, just say that its hard not to think this way because of how heavily ingrained into society it is to think this way. in the case of mya and her iconic song, she questions how do you move forward when you're in this relationship limbo and moreover, what do you do when their ex comes knocking and wants them back and you don’t know where you two stand.

 

in mya's case, she is the new boo who wants nothing to do with this ghost coming to knock her out of  lableless limbo and back into the hell that is the dating pool, which is super valid. but as she states it the song, "whatcha gonna do when you can't say no / and the feelings start to show / how you gonna act / how you gonna handle that / whatchu gonna do when she wants you back?"

 

which is tough. when you ex pulls up on you out of the blue when you're doing good, you go through several stages:

 

1. anger - (i.e: WHAT IS THIS NIGGA DOING RUNNING UP ON ME IN MY NEWFOUND HAPPINESS? IT'S ALWAYS WHEN I'M DOING WELL THAT THEY WANT TO POP UP LIKE A DAMN LOST PUPPY.)

2. curiousity - (i.e: WHAT DOES THIS NIGGA WANT FROM ME??? ARE WE CHECKING IN TO BE NICE OR NAH?) 

3. smug - (i.e: so you wanna hit? is that it? that's what you want? i know i was looking good, but damn...)

4. acceptance - (i.e: let me calm down and read this message. it's going to be fine. it's whatever. i don't even care. i'm cool.)

5. (if you're lucky) - recovery - (i.e: figure out what they want and either: a. leave them alone, or b. work your own on maintaining some sort of cordial friendliness.

5. (if you're unlucky) relapse - (i.e: begin the text message/social media stalk and catching up with them in a way that will have you going, "man, what happened to us?")

 

however, again, as mya said "obviously, that shit did not last" for a reason. maybe they were trash at responding to you. maybe they smelled like resin all the time. maybe they just literally didn't wash their ass. maybe they were just an overall garbage person. whatever the reason may have been, it didn't work and now that you're in this new relationship, you have got to handle your shit, so that there's no need to worry about "a case of the ex."

 

because that shit is unnecessarily frustrating. mya literally wrote this iconic song to detail how frustrating it can be and honestly, i have yet to hear a song put it down the way that she does. the lyrical concept of sticking it to your exes is not new ground, but mya's catchy, pop anthem does it in a way that is frankly, just unmatched. like morrison, mya gifted the world this song to let everyone know to get their shit on straight or there will be a problem.

and as the article on morrison states while "best ever" maybe subjective, it also just means that the shit's just good, b. don't be a hater. just listen to the words of the best song ever and handle your shit.

 

(also, exhibit a - z of why this song is the best: this music video)