romance vs realism in tennis' swimmer

 

i don't think i ever want to get married (at least in a conventional sense; but i will go on about that later) now, i know that's a big statement to make, but i am not very big on large committal gestures and the overall concept of "til death do us part", "for rich or for poor" and all that nonsense. a lot of this stems from the fact that i am a the point in my life where i really don't want to give too much of my time away from the things i enjoy for my significant other simply because they're my significant other, but moreover, that i really don't have much to give in terms of a marriage.

 

• i'm poor
• i'm impatient
• there are sometimes when i just lie on the floor for a few hours
• i cry a lot 
• i complain a lot 

 

yes, i can clean a bathroom and cook like nobody's business, but i also don't think i could be a housewife because A. sometimes it takes me several days to clean up one mess. B. i do laundry and i really don't fold up it up and put it away until i'm at the point that i need to put my dirty clothes into the hamper because they've been sprawled out of the floor all week. moreover, even though i've been in a long-term relationship for the last 5 years, i truly don't know how anyone could stand this behavior enough to want to marry me. however, i say this mainly as a joke much like i joke with my partner about getting married. i don't want this to come off as me not loving my partner" nor do i not want anyone to think that they don't love me enough to want to marry me. i do love them and we are very committed to each other in terms of how we spend our time together and how we make everything we do together a choice. by this i mean, i allow my partner to do as they please and vice versa. we choose to be together until we don't wanna be. for me, marriage doesn't really deepen that choice or make it more important. some people choose to believe that it does, but i just don't. i don't care about how much a person says they love me as much as they show it to me. 

 

i mean, if a person does tell me that they love me, i do take it very much to heart, but if they're telling me they love me and then go and treat me like trash, do they really??? course not 'cuz they're TRASH.  moreover, if i want to throw an expensive party, get drunk in a big white dress with all my friends, i can do all that without having to call it a wedding. because don't get me wrong, i love spending money on silly stuff. i love wasting my money and then feeling very depressed about what i've spend my hard earned funds on, but, societal connotations aside, marriage just feels like too much frivolous commitment for my tastes.

that is, until i listened to tennis' swimmer.

 

tennis has been one of my favorite bands since i heard cape dory in high school. while their warm, 60s inspired, surf pop sound has remained consistent over the last few years, the thematics of their albums has evolved with time and for good reason. the husband-and-wife duo behind the band, patrick riley and alaina moore, released cape dory in 2011. THATS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. cape dory is drizzled in nostalgia and hope and determination for a better life on some island far, far away. its playful and fun and youthful. its much different than their next release, young & old (a similarly fun album about what it feels to grow up while you're still growing up) and its much different than their next releases ritual in repeat (a more mature album that's less about overseas traveling and more internal soul-searching) and yours conditionally (a more confident rendition of the same self-efficacy demonstrated in the last album). however, the differences between the sounds of those albums and what is going on in this new release, swimmer, is that there's a much more mature understanding in how finding yourself can make you a better person for the ones you love and how it is that kind of love and, thus, matrimony is what's kept the band together for almost a decade. 

 

alaina and patrick are married and they're life partners, but they weren't always this madly in love. they met in college and were strictly platonic friends for a long time before it turned into a conventional partnership/relationship."one day i was just living with him and then one day we were married," alaina stated in an interview with 303 magazine. i think this distinction is so important because often, people do get too attached to these sorts of titles. not to say that they're not important, but i know for me, sometimes when i get into a new relationship, i lose sight of being in a relationship with that person due to the fact that i feel forced to have to call it something for it to feel valid. in reflecting on my past few relationships, i've often been told something along the lines of "you really think i like you less than i do. i like you a lot, but you don't seem to think that i do." and a lot of that is on me because of my #anxiousattachmentstyle and my mommy and daddy issues, but i think a lot of it also comes from me not being real with myself and constantly looking for understanding from people who are not in my relationship because i didn't want to come to terms with my own insecurities. 

 

whenever i felt insecure in a relationship, i would asked my friends about it, looking for validation because i didn't want to feel crazy. either they'd tell me my feelings were valid and that the other person was messing up or they'd tell me that i was acting crazy and that i needed to stop feeling the way that i did, but neither of those helped me understand why i was feeling that way that i did nor did they help me feel any less crazy. yes, i should have been going to the person i was in a relationship about my concerns. yes, i also probably should have been going to therapy consistently. btu did i learn my lesson and grow from all of these mishaps in my relationships? HELL YES, which sort of makes it all worth it in the long run because, here i am, writing about all of this nonsense as sort of an outlet for understanding why i am the way i am. for alaina and patrick, the outlet in which they've come to understand themselves and  their relationship is their music and swimmer is a sort of a smooth-yet-simultaneous contention and tribute towards this dilemma of how you learn how to define your own relationship and become comfortable with it when you have all of these outside obstacles trying to lead you astray.

unlike the personable obstacles that are my friends, swimmer deals with more mature obstacles like death, grief and other insecurities that come with realizing that you're at the point in your life that you can say, "wow, im old" and actually reflect on what that means. the opener, "i'll haunt you" (which feels more like an closer than anything, but that's just me) is an eerie testament to the whole "wow, i'm old." it's about the process of physically feeling your youth leave your body, but not in the way where people think that suddenly you hit menopause and then you're like "damn i'm old. i imagine the process is like "wow, when are things going to change for me. i know they are, so when is going to feel like it?" and then BOOM! you're looking at the world around you and you're like, WOW I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON THIS FLOATING ROCK FOR QUITE SOME TIME, THEREFORE, I AM OLD. 

 

"echoes" sort of deals with this same dilemma as it relays alaina's time in the hospital because what else does one have to do in the hospital other than reflect?? although it brings up memories of the breezy sounds of past albums, its truly a track about mere reflection. as she states in the song, "those days are gone" and she's left to replay them in her head, but now with this sort of comfort in the fact that when you're old, having someone by your side makes looking back all the more worthwhile. the next track "swimmer" continues with the same sort of sentiment, but in looking back at all the things that maybe you didn't do that you wish you had or the times you'd wish you shared with someone. for alaina, a lof of that is learning to swim (HENCE THE TITLE) because as much as she enjoys sailing and the ocean, she doesn't know how to swim and well....SAME. WATER IS SCARY.

 

however, as much as the album is about reflection on how it feels to grow up and moreover, coming to the realization that you are, in fact, growing up, it is also album about how differently people seem to operate once they're older. (i.e: namely in relationships). 

 

"need your love", "how to forgive" and "runner" are three songs that exist as companion pieces to one another about how this process works. "need your love" talks about how fine and dandy love is, but to a point. beacause you literally do not need anyone else to feel whole becuase people will disappoint you to the point where you will probably treat them like they died and that's okay (literally the idea of comparing needing somone to being struck by lightening is either the most bitter or the most brillant thing ever, or both). 

 

"how to forgive" is about realizing that some people are quite frankly trash and may not deserve forgiveness for hurting your feelings. and while your feelings of hurt are valid, you do have to do something about it. i love being petty and if i could hold a grudge for forever, i definitely would because that's just how i am and it would be so "easy", ;like she says in the song, but who the hell is that helping by doing that? one day, you're going to wake up and realize a million years later that you've probably  forgiven this person without realizing it, so why not do it sooner rather than later? 

 

and lastly, as much as "runner" is about love, its also about religion. there are  motifs of "becoming a grain of salt" and the "promised land" and "famine", and all that nonsense and  theyare all godly as fuck. while i could go into about what those sort of religious motifs mean, (which i mean, i can't because i haven't been to church in ages), they really are there to talk about why it's really hard to move on. and that's because trauma and pain never really leave us. yes, we can forgive and forget and we can move on, but it will always be with us in some manner or another. in the bible, this man named lott is supposed to dip with his family because the town is burning. they leave, and they're not supposed to look back and just keep it moving. lott's wife does and she is punished and turned into a grain of salt. 

 

why? oh, because god said so. 

 

but should she have been punished is something that think is up for some sort of debate beacause OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO LOOK BACK ON HER BURNING HOMETOWN. WHO WOULDN'T?? TF?? and while god seemingly punishes this woman for looking back, i think the song is trying to say that while you do have to do something about these negative emotions and forgiving them would be appropriate, its hard decision to make, and only you can decide what's best for you.

my first experiences with swimmer, were with "runner" and "need your love." although i was particular about "need your love" due to the fact that i felt i didn't need any damn body and that i wholly loved myself enough to not need anyone. i know now that this was a lie. i do need people to love. i have people that i love. we all need people in lives to love. when i first heard the album as a whole, (on valentine's day of all the damn days) i was in a very different place in my life than i am now. i was head over heels for someone, but didn't really know how to describe that feeling. (like you ever stare into nigga's eyes in the club and feel 57 years go by?? YES, THAT KIND OF FEELING. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, LEAVE ME ALONE) i was constantly being told by other people that my concerns and anxieties about these feelings were not valid. and moreover, i was stuffing all these feelings down and not unpacking them because i was afraid to. all of this is a recipe for distaster especially when you are hearing lyrics like "every little bead of sweat / feel it running down my neck / when you look at me like that / feeling like we can't go back" and you start remembering when 57 years passed by in one night at the club and using that as a form of validation and comfort when that's really not what that is. now, i can safely see how damaged i was and how ill-fitted i was for that kind of deep connection. not that i didn't deserve it, but that i could not appreciate it for what it was because i wasn't ready for it. and again, this isn't to say that i am ready to have these sorts of connections now becuase i do still have work to do, but i recognize whatever life throws at me is an oppurtunity for growth in the long-term.

 

and swimmer and tennis' overall career proves that while that process might be long and daunting, its all worthwhile looking back if you want it to be. moreover, it proves that being a romantic at heart can't save you from that process. however, you can save yourself a lifetime of therapy bills and just go along with it and live. and if there comes a point in your life that you decide, "hey i want to be married. im going to get married", awesome! please invite me to your wedding if this post has given you the confidence to go and get married.

if not, that's also okay. we can still have a party anyways.

i got a diva cup and it rocked my world.

so, i "borrowed" a diva cup from [redacted] last week and it was amazing. not the act of "borrowing", but the actual product itself. i've been a big user of tampons for a while now and trust me, that wasn't an easy step. for the longest time, i was very anti-tampon and just preferred the big, bloody butt diaper that i called a pad. however, one day, tampons were all that my roommate had and i was far too lazy, so i snuck a few to get me through my unusually short period (3 days!!!) and went about my day.

now don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad transition. did i have to use a youtube tutorial made for teenagers to get me through the process of getting the generic kotex rod shoved up inside me? absolutely. however, after about 20 minutes of patiently sitting spread eagle over the toilet bowl and getting to know my bits better than my gynecologist (who am i kidding; i don't have a primary physcian. i'm not a baby), i left the bathroom feeling like an rap video hoe in a young money music video: accomplished, slightly embarrassed and a little chaffed. i did have to venture into the bathroom several times that day to "adjust" because it definitely felt like a paper rod had been shoved up my vagina, which feels just how it sounds.

 

ultimately, after a few tries, i got used to it and could not feel the sucker ever. however, that first time did almost traumatize me and what surprises me is that no one ever really prepares you for putting in a tampon for the first time. all i ever heard about the process was how "easy it was" or how "you'd never use another pad again." they didn't tell me how i'd essentially be giving myself an annual checkup with a foot propped up on the edge of the tub. they didn't tell me that my fingers would probably start hurting from holding my actual vagina open for so long. they really also didn't tell me that tampons should match your flow. how was i supposed to know you couldn't use a super jumbo absorbent tampon with a light little flow like mine?? because i didn't. all i knew is that i put that thing inside me and it made me feel like my vagina had rug burn and it was then that i learned my lesson: always look at the damn box before you buy something that literally goes inside of you.

 

 and so, that leads me to my next escapade at the supermarket: the one where i got the infamous diva cup. it was a weekday afternoon. i made my roommate take me to the store because i could feel the wave coming upon me and i was without any instruments for my menses. i could have taken a few of my other roommates to hold me over until it was over, but unfortunately, she only had those damn super absorbent tampons. as i learned my lesson beforehand, i bit the bullet and made my way to the store.

 

the menses aisle of the store is honestly one of the most exciting aisles of the store and i don't really know why. i'll preface this by saying that when i say "exciting" i really mean colorful. there are only so many colors of the rainbow, but tampon companies really doubled down on the bright, fun colors for whatever reason. maybe its so that people will notice that they're all different. maybe they want to trick people into thinking periods are fun (hint: they aren't), or maybe i'm just overthinking it, but overall, the menses aisle always seems to have a lot going on. while my first instinct was to grab a box of tampons, the diva cup caught my eye for some reason that day. maybe it was the toilet paper pad that i had soaking up the crime scene in my pants or maybe it was the fact that i planned on getting the stores, "buy none, get one free deal", but after twenty minutes of holding it in my hands, i decided to go with the flow and just try it out.

and honestly, its not that bad. its new, so i do get the sentiment of  "i can't wait to get my next period" that frequently comes from the commercials of these products. however, a lot of that comes with the fascination that i am literally pulling a suction cup in and out of my vagina. i'm not one of the white women in the commercials doing yoga in their diva cup or laughing while eating a salad. i am spread eagle over my toilet, yelling over the phone to my homosexual best friend about how hard i'm kegeling and giving strangers the side for staring at me while i'm cleaning my cup in the sink of a public bathroom. however, even though all of this feels terrible, i feel like the white women laughing at a salad in the tampon commercials and that is because i am not ashamed of my period anymore.

 

there's a lot of people that i have talked to in the last few months about how gross they feel talking about their period. and that's so valid because they are, in fact, gross sometimes. do you know how many times i've woken up thinking i've peed myself only to find that i've actually bled through a full pad and my underwear onto my sheets? do you know how many times i've woken up in someone else's bed thinking i've peed myself only to find out i've bled through my skivvies? do you know how many makeshift pads i've made out of toilet paper, receipts and etc. when mother nature decides to spring up on me out of nowhere? (on a side note: do those machines in the bathroom even work?? i've used one probably once in my life. once. moreover, period products should be free. period.) do you know how many time i have googled "can you go swimming with a pad on?" and then gone on to do that thinking that it would be "different this time" when in fact, it is just a bad idea in general. so, its safe to say: periods suck and moreover, i am not very good at keeping track of them, when they're coming, and when i need to get things done. that's a whole fact, but i don't think there's any reason for anyone to feel ashamed about getting them because shit happens. and unfortunately for me, i kind of have to deal with them for the foreseeable future, so i'm not going to let anyone make feel any worse about them than i already do. i'll deal with the sheet stains and dry cleaning bills when i have to, but i refuse to be side-eyed by some Karen in the public bathroom for handling my business for my body in the sink.

but also, if anyone figures out a way to have sex with this thing without turning my partner into a toilet, please, let me know.

why "case of the ex (whatcha gonna do)" is one of the best songs ever made

so, i saw an article about "why mark morrison's return of the mack is one of the best songs ever that nobody ever acknowledges is the best song ever" and for the most part, when i saw it, i nodded my head and moved on. 

 

return of the mack is just an objectively great song. it's fun, everyone knows it, it's infectiously upbeat and funky and it is just literally impossible not to like the song. 

hell, its my go-to karaoke song for those exact reasons. and honestly, i have yet to meet a person who just stands in the corner with their arms crossed when this song comes on and moreover, on the day i do come across this person, is the day i finally get to take off my earrings and tell someone to "meet me outside." (yes, people, it is just that good of a song)

 

however, my defense for mark morrison's banger came to a head when i saw season 4, episode 3 of hbo's insecure. for those of you unfamiliar with one of the best shows of the last decade, (firstly, go get right with the streaming service gods and watch the damn show), insecure is a comedy-drama created by the lovely issa rae about the day-to-day experiences of Black women in love and life in modern LA. it's messy, it's insightful, it's steamy and perfect for anyone looking for a quick binge during quarantine. and while you still might be skeptical, i will lay out my strongest piece of evidence of why you need to be watching insecure here:  

 

BLACK EXCELLENCE!  

this show features Black people making moves both on-and-off screen and was nominated for a whooping 3 emmys this year, but, i digress. this is argument about music.

 

so on season 4, episode 3, issa, our lead character, is posting about the fun times she's having on thanksgiving. she's drinking, laughing and, of course, posting to instagram to let everyone know what's up. however, when her ex peeps her enjoying her life, he decides he's going to run up and fuck up her momentum with a dusty laughing emoji reaction. *cue mya's case of the ex (whatchu gonna do)*

 

not only was this probably one of the greatest music cues in television history, but it got me thinking, is this also one of the best songs ever made that no one acknowledges is, in fact, the one of the best song ever made??

in my opinion, yes, and probably more so, than return of the mack and here's why:

 

mya's "case of the ex (whatcha gonna do)" is iconic. period. its an early 2000s banger whose intro beat sends chills through my spine. when this came on as issa's ex swiped up on her story, i felt that chill and thought: "oh no. the mess. the messiness. they wouldn't!"

 

but, oh, yes, they did. as this song played through the credits, i sat dumbstruck at the experience i had just gone through connecting the song to the situation in the show and really hearing about what mya was going though as she laments about her new boo's ex who is also fucking up her momentum and newfound happiness.

 

that experience is not something i've gone through or at least have seen done in terms of a song like "return of the mack" or any song, frankly. it a simple and super effective choice that showcases the power of the song itself.

 

the songs hinges on a lot of experiences that people come across in relationships. moreover, at the end of relationships, especially when one of you just can't quite let go. not every break up is as clear-cut as it seems. personally, i have only been broken up with once and really, it wasn't by someone i actually dated. unlike what many of us have forced ourselves to believe, situationships are not the breeding ground for love. they are relationships that are undefined and not based entirely on commitments. they owe you nothing and neither do you. is this fair? hell, no, but, remember, if people are trash, they're just going to be trash and there's nothing you can do about it, but leave. situationships are truly often based on convenience or short-term circumstances. moreover, they often do a number on your head and heart because, for whatever reason, both parties usually do not know what the hell they want and then you're left in a lableless, relationship limbo asking yourself this: do they like me? do i like them? do they want to date me? wait a minute, do i want to date them? are they seeing other people? should i be seeing other people?

 

this is what the brain of someone in a situationship often looks like and if you think that this sounds like hell, trust me it is. even though what they want from this other person may not be a romantic relationship, due to the constraints monogamy has on society, we often feel like we should and need to be in a romantic relationship with everyone that we are somewhat compatible with. i, however, rebuke this.

 

and while i will not go into those reasons here, i will, again, just say that its hard not to think this way because of how heavily ingrained into society it is to think this way. in the case of mya and her iconic song, she questions how do you move forward when you're in this relationship limbo and moreover, what do you do when their ex comes knocking and wants them back and you don’t know where you two stand.

 

in mya's case, she is the new boo who wants nothing to do with this ghost coming to knock her out of  lableless limbo and back into the hell that is the dating pool, which is super valid. but as she states it the song, "whatcha gonna do when you can't say no / and the feelings start to show / how you gonna act / how you gonna handle that / whatchu gonna do when she wants you back?"

 

which is tough. when you ex pulls up on you out of the blue when you're doing good, you go through several stages:

 

1. anger - (i.e: WHAT IS THIS NIGGA DOING RUNNING UP ON ME IN MY NEWFOUND HAPPINESS? IT'S ALWAYS WHEN I'M DOING WELL THAT THEY WANT TO POP UP LIKE A DAMN LOST PUPPY.)

2. curiousity - (i.e: WHAT DOES THIS NIGGA WANT FROM ME??? ARE WE CHECKING IN TO BE NICE OR NAH?) 

3. smug - (i.e: so you wanna hit? is that it? that's what you want? i know i was looking good, but damn...)

4. acceptance - (i.e: let me calm down and read this message. it's going to be fine. it's whatever. i don't even care. i'm cool.)

5. (if you're lucky) - recovery - (i.e: figure out what they want and either: a. leave them alone, or b. work your own on maintaining some sort of cordial friendliness.

5. (if you're unlucky) relapse - (i.e: begin the text message/social media stalk and catching up with them in a way that will have you going, "man, what happened to us?")

 

however, again, as mya said "obviously, that shit did not last" for a reason. maybe they were trash at responding to you. maybe they smelled like resin all the time. maybe they just literally didn't wash their ass. maybe they were just an overall garbage person. whatever the reason may have been, it didn't work and now that you're in this new relationship, you have got to handle your shit, so that there's no need to worry about "a case of the ex."

 

because that shit is unnecessarily frustrating. mya literally wrote this iconic song to detail how frustrating it can be and honestly, i have yet to hear a song put it down the way that she does. the lyrical concept of sticking it to your exes is not new ground, but mya's catchy, pop anthem does it in a way that is frankly, just unmatched. like morrison, mya gifted the world this song to let everyone know to get their shit on straight or there will be a problem.

and as the article on morrison states while "best ever" maybe subjective, it also just means that the shit's just good, b. don't be a hater. just listen to the words of the best song ever and handle your shit.

 

(also, exhibit a - z of why this song is the best: this music video)