i had a conversation with a friend of mine this morning that has been sitting with me all day. we talked about my big move to chicago and what that's going to look like: the people i'm going to meet, the places i'm going to go and the things i'm going to do. i've talked about it before, but although i know that moving doesn't make me a new person, i can't help but feel like does. i feel a shift in my energy when i think about my new home, like a bubbliness that feels like glitter has exploded in my abdomen. it feels like i'm going on first date with someone i've been talking to for months and i'm at the point where i'm counting down the days until its time. and see, i'm the planner of my friend group, so figuring things out is kind of  "my thing". i'm the person who is writing up an itinerary for a three-day trip. i'm the person with a list of places to go broken down by cost, each person's interest, and how relatively close they are to other things we can do. i'm the person who always knows what is going on for the week, who's going to be there, and what the vibes are. or moreover, i'm the person who can always find this information out relatively quickly, so people usually look to me to figure out what they wanna do. 

however, when i think about all the things i want to do when i move, i feel a bit stuck because my life in the small town i'm currently in was consumed by partying and drinking and socialization. all of which has been killed by covid to some extent. now, obviously, covid has killed any large, gathering/party-type scenario. however, during isolation, i still found ways to socialize and drink in my little quarantine bubble of a few close friends. we would drink and sit across from each other in a huge parking lot, yelling from across the concrete. we'd go on socially distanced walks and dance parties. we played drinking games and watch movies over zoom. i even threw my friend a socially distanced birthday party and set a cake on her doorstep and blasted music on a speaker from across her yard. my idea behind the sort of things i planned for my friend group sort of revolved around me really thinking about the things i wanted to do with my friends vs. things i felt like i had to do because they were familiar to us as a group - namely involving the drinking.

often, our friend group hung out at bars. we'd go to a concert karaoke, or trivia night or salsa night or any of the "nights" that had been planned for the week at the bar. every few hours, i'd get sent a facebook invite from someone to some event that would mentally compartmentalize for my friend group to go to when the time came. we drank, partied it up and had a great time, but this is namely because that's all there is to do in the small town we were in. there were no museums or fancy, fun restaurants or small businesses and shops to visit. we had one and a half movie theaters (one that showed indie classics a few times a month and one that showed everything else). we had one mall with only between 5-7 operating stores. we had a bunch of local restaurants and stuff like a dennys and a steak n' shake. however, the biggest thing out small town was known for were its bars and the wide variety of them that we had.

we had a indie hipster bar where local bands played and you could order fancy, local IPAs and smoke on the patio and get hit on my creepy townies. we had two gross local, dive bars where you'd probably be able to find meth more easily than most places. we had a two actual clubs where you could order and drink complete bottles of wine on the dance floor. we had a country bar. a gay bar. a bar that only sororities and frat bros went to. and going to those bars were just about the only things that my friends and i used to do before the pandemic hit because if we wanted to do anything else, we'd have to leave town to do it and in order to leave town, it required a lot more planning than any of us wanted to put the energy into, so, instead, we sat at home and we drank.

and that was before things got bad. now, i personally can't remember the last time i had a drink. actually, that's a lie. i think the last drink i had was last year during an online movie night i had with some of my friends whom i hadn't spoken to in a while. we always talked about drinking and going to bars, but unlike with my current friend group, we had never done that. so, i had the idea to crack open a drink and watch a movie with them, but, hours later, my drink sat across from me open and warm and half-full and i didn't really care about it. however, as i stared at the open container across from me and the smiles on my friends faces as we goofed off online, i really thought "huh, that's weird" because it made feel weird that i was having a good time with other people and not necessarily having to drink.

now, this is not to say that i feel the need to drink when i am with other people because i don't. i can operate quite normally around others without drinking. however, because i liked hanging out with people and going out, drinking was normally apart of the equation - that drinking was a part of the entire function of "going out." however, this time, i was in my house, in my pjs and cuddled up next to my laptop, so it felt weird to be applying this "going out" mindset from the comfort of my bed, but here i was, trying to do it and, like i said, it made me feel weird, so i stopped drinking.

and i haven't really even thought about drinking as much until the idea of the world opening back up and getting out of this small town kind of hit me - because its one thing if drinking seems to be the only thing to do and everyone is doing it, and its another thing where i have a choice to do other things and i choose to have a drink because it's what i want to do. however, after my friend asked me about all the things i planned to do when i moved to the city, it got me wondering, do i want to drink in the future? am i into drinking more than i thought i was? and is this going to be a problem for me?

now, i don't want to call myself an alcoholic because i don't think that i am. for a long time, i thought maybe i had a bit of a problem because i felt myself having the need to drink few days, but a lot of that didn't stem from a problem with me internally as much as it was a fear of missing out and a fear of being judged by others. coming from a college town that is known for its bars and drinking culture, i think a lot of what drove me to drink so heavily was this idea that if didn't, i was boring. there were these judgements that i felt other people were having about me and thus, me placing on myself because this idea of not drinking made me feel even weirder about being around people who were - like i felt like "am i even supposed to be here right now if i'm not drinking?"

 the way that alcohol sort of became present in my life was like the way a food truck appears - you never know when it is going to be there, but when you notice it, you get excited and partake because "HELLO ITS A FOOD TRUCK." however, when its happening so often, it does start to take a toll on you - you get bored and uninterested and want to try new things, but what can you do when there's nothing else to do and, again, everyone else is doing it?

and so i found myself at a crossroads - do i drink? or do i not drink? do i have a problem? or is this normal and manageable? what don't i like about myself when i drink? what do i like about myself when i drink? what do i like about myself when i'm sober? what don't i like about myself when i'm sober?

obviously, a lot of my drinking was also a crutch because i did have some emotional problems that drinking sort of helped me cope with in a weird way - which that's just plain old substance abuse. and this isn't to say that i wasn't acting out in other ways like with overspending and casual sex because i definitely was. however, specifically when i drank, it felt different because it was so normalized in the setting i was in and the folks i surrounded myself with who went a lot harder at drinking than i did. however, during quarantine, i was forced to kind of look myself in the mirror and sort of face those issues head on because i was alone in my space and drinking couldn't absolve me from that, so i absolved myself from drinking until i could figure somethings out about myself.

as of right now, i don't know how i feel about drinking. i think there's more than just "people that drink" and "those that don't." there are obviously those who drink casually and those who drink socially and those that maybe just have a glass of wine at dinner for their health. i'm obviously not all around mentally well, but i am a bit better because i've started to address some of my own internal demons about drinking and my insecurities that i used to try to just drink to avoid. i am a bit scared to think about going back out into the world and how heavily people i know will jump back into the sort of habits i've started to try to wean myself off of slowly. this isn't to say that i'm never going to drink again because i don't think that's true - i probably will. 

i'm 23 and messy and gross and will continue to be that way for a while (maybe 'till i'm like 35). there are somethings i enjoy about going to a bar and listening to music with friends or going to a restaurant and drinking margaritas with friends. there's something so just great about that whole social experience of being out - not that there necessarily needs to be alcohol involved, but at least now, i can go ahead and check in with myself to see when and how i feel about it.

i've only ever quit a job once in my entire life. i've worked at so many places and done so many things, but i've never really actively sat down with my employer and had a serious conversation saying,  "i'm leaving. here is my two weeks notice." this is partly due to my fear of confrontation. this is also partly. due to my fear of disappointing authority figures. however, this is mostly because i never really had a job where people depended on me specifically. they needed someone to just be there. so when i left for college and the place i had been at for years never heard back from me, or when i graduated and could not longer be the "student receptionist", they simply got someone else to fill my shoes. the one exception to that is this time i actually did quit my job as a server at a local pizza restaurant. i don't even think i stayed the two weeks because i'd initially requested the next two weeks off before i quit, so essentially, i just kind of up and left that joint and didn't look back.

now, obviously, that place was not the kind of place that i wanted to work my way up the ladder to become apart of. i didn't want to be manager or a shift lead or anything like that. frankly, the place had the vibes of a restaurant that you would see on kitchen nightmares. we fully microwaved our chicken. the water in the pasta cooker only got changed once a day. we never wore gloves. people stole alcohol from the deep freezer and got drunk during work. the ceiling leaked frequently. it was a literal kitchen nightmare and the pizza was the only thing there worth eating. however, i promise you that if gordon ramsey came to the place, he would probably burn it to the ground and although, i was walking away from a terrible working environment, which made me feel better about myself, that small change felt like i was blowing up my entire life. i didn't know what i wanted to do once i left. i was leaving this realm of comfortability and essentially, throwing myself off a cliff, which, is something that did not make me feel better about myself. 

this is similar to how i feel right now as i think about how i feel about potentially leaving my current position, one that i actually do enjoy and one i actually saw myself climbing the corporate ladder at. i don't know when or how i started to notice the existential sentiments i had about working. i don't know when or how i started to think about if what i was doing was "enough" for me or if i was actually satisfied with the work i was putting out. maybe it was the amount of time i spent in the bathroom on tik tok away from my desk. maybe it was the amount of time i spent trying to find a project to fill the void and finding myself constantly coming up short. maybe it was the fact that i noticed that no one around me seemed to be thinking the same things that i was. that there was no more spark. that there was no more passion. and moreover, everyone around me was fine with working that way. to them, work seemed like something they had to to do until they died and that was it. the idea of work was just one of the many things on this long to-do list and they were okay with that, but i was not. i needed more, but, again, i didn't quite know what that looked like, so, i thrust myself off the cliff once more.

each time i start a new job, i simply think to myself, "this is it." for years, i built my life around work and constantly playing around with the idea of moving up and making something for myself even if it wasn't what i wanted to do because i thought i had to. i pictured myself with this dream job where i was at the top of the company, some "junior" this, or "senior" that, where i made a lot of money and told people what to do.  although, now i know that there is no such thing as the "dream job" and that dreaming of labor is frankly, a silly concept fed to us by our parents and romantic comedy protagonists, i think that for the longest time i conflated this idea of financial stability with emotional stability. i thought, if i made a lot of money and could do cool things with that money, i would be set, but this is an unfortunate fallacy that people tell themselves. we live in a society where working is a necessary part of life because we depend on it to survive. most people are not working to find a purpose or to fill their time. people are not living to work. they are working to live. i am no exception to this. in between working all of these jobs, i've found myself always seeking a higher purpose through my work, but this process was constantly upended by things around me that seemed to be more important than finding a purpose, like my ugly, dirty apartment, or my student loans, or a random check engine light going off in my car. every time i thought about getting out to do something better, i felt something drawing me back in, chiding my worries away with this idea that if i could pay my bills, i was fine.

but what happens when its not enough to simply be "fine"? what happens when your bills are all paid and you have a job you somewhat enjoy, but you still are frustrated by everything else around you - you, the town you live in and even your apartment, when you think too hard about it. again, i used to think that if i was ambitious and kept working, i would be happy and everything else would fall in place, but one day, i woke up and noticed that i was putting in the work and that still wasn't happening. so, then what?

well then, decided to to move 5 hours away. i made a change and i picked up everything and left. or at least, i tried to because i'm still here, even though i have an apartment in a town far away. i'm still working here. i'm still living here. i'm still here, caught between two places like a ghost. and while i went and made a big decision to leave and it did make me happy to some extent - i felt held down the weight of a job that i enjoyed and put a lot of effort into at the time. it was the only thing keeping me here, so, as i sat at the brink of blowing up my entire life once again, i thought to myself for the first time in a long time: is it time for me to quit? and if so, how was i going to do it? i had to do it, but how was i going to actually do it?

now, besides my fear of authority and confrontation and this aspect of blowing up my life without a plan, i physically hated the feeling of quitting because it felt a lot like i was giving up on something. like i said before, i had built much of my life and my identity around work. my resume and my skills feel like a reflection of me - much like when you go into a interview and you're asked about "who you are", you tell them about what skills you have. those skills made up the kind of person they wanted, thus making you valuable -  all of the things a 23 year old with abandonment issues, like myself, wanted to hear. i thought that being needed by a company meant that i was worth something and that without them, i didn't quite know who i was. i'd worked time-and-time again as a body for companies that barely knew who i was outside of my skillset and i really thought they valued me. this was a lie. i thought that, somehow, if i had found my dream job and this perfect place that needed me in all the right ways and i could fulfill those needs, that i had found my purpose. and for the longest time, that was my purpose: being needed.

but, as i sit here and think about what i am going to do with the rest of my life, these are things i know to be true. 1. i love my job. 2. feeling dissastification does not say as much about me as it does the things around me. 3. i am working to become the kind of person that i want to be - that other people want to be around and employ - not the kind of person that other people need me to be. 4. you are allowed the change your mind, make big or small changes or whatever you need to do to become that person. 5. i haven't quit my job yet and i don't know how or when i will.

and that's perfectly okay. i know at some point i'm going to have to throw myself off the cliff and into the unknown once more, but this time someone is going be there to catch me. or somehow, i might be able to find balance and land on my own two feet all by myself.

CONTENT WARNING: now, before i begin this post, i am going to let you know that there is a bit of talk of a few heavy topics including, rape and sexual assault. if you're not into all of that, please stray away from this post. otherwise, read on.

however, what i didn't think about during my class discussion is that regardless of the fact that people may find these acts abhorrent, they still happen. some people refuse to acknowledge that rape is a crime and more than often, rapists are not held accountable for their actions. people know that murder and theft is bad, but you don't see police officers asking survivors of attempted murder about what they were wearing or how much they were drinking during the time of their attack. they're not asking someone who's been robbed why they were out so late. both of which were questions people asked me after i confided in them that i was assaulted.

people know that rape is bad, but it still happens every single day and there are so many real-world people with excuses about why it happens, which is why i began to question my opinion about rape-revenge films after i'd be assaulted. there are no excuses for rapists in rape-revenge films. there is only justice. like in this film. like in last house on the left. like ms.45. like in american mary, revenge or m.f.a, and most importantly, in emerald fennel's promising young woman (all of which were directed by women - yay!). in rape-revenge films there are clear heroes and villains. there are clear crimes and there are clear punishments for those crimes. there's never really a question of what these women are doing as much as it is a question of how far they will go in the name of justice, how many more people will they implicate and if they are taking care as to not get caught. moreover, all of these acts fits into a filmic formula that audiences are familiar with and moreover, can relate to as a forbidden fantasy of sorts due to the fact that things aren't so generally so cut and dried in reality.

but, what if they were? what would we, then, have to say about these kinds of films? and moreover, is there a good way to go about making these kinds of films when there hasn't been a cultural and systematic shift towards our reactions to real world survivors?

in her review of promising young woman, jourdain searles also asks this question to her readers: "if rape is a systemic issue with an entire culture designed to protect it, how fresh can a one-woman-against-the-world narrative actually be?" in the review she talks about how in promising young woman, cassie (carey mulligan) isn't trying to change the system because it had already failed her. it is also my belief, that this is, too, where the genre fails because in a majority of these films, the women are taking the law into their own hands because they, too, know that the system will fail them or maybe it already has, so there is really no point in trying to change it. in m.f.a, like cassie, noelle (francesca eastwood) has a similar reaction when she tries to change the system peacefully by joining coalition of women who use hashtags to advocate for survivors and push universities to give out color-changing nail polish to their female students. noelle goes off on the women in the club, stating:

"what if we're not prepared? what if we have a drink? what if we wear high heels and we didn't learn taekwondo? what if forgot our rape whistle at home or we didn't paint our nails with color-changing nail polish to check if our drink is drugged? then we just get raped?"

to which they tell her, "at least we're doing something” and noelle goes off to become a vigilante. sure, its helpful, but its a noticeable element in rape-revenge films by women that the survivors question the system and ask both themselves and the audience if what the systems present as a solution them is enough. this isn't to say that all rape-revenge films need to be questioning rape as a systemic issue, but i think its largely important to think about why they don't and if that's something to discuss.

in the case of promising young woman, it is a film that attempts to reinvent the genre by tackling the issue of rape culture by as searles states, it falls short by ditching those aspects to stick to elements that fans of the genre would be familiar with - namely by way of its ending. moreover, the kind of ending that revels in the self-imposed and often short lived victories of the main character. while i won't be spoiling the ending of promising young woman, i think the film gives cassie's character more agency than we're accustomed to seeing in these films. the film is preoccupied not with cassie's actions, but in how far she is willing to go and what that will do for her. it clearly states cassie's plan for revenge is not based in blind rage alone and dedicates time to the shift in her identity as she becomes more engaged with her plans for justice. cassies cares about what could happens to her, yet she accepts that things could go poorly and thus, prepares herself for that. whether or not we agree with what happens, its a decision that cassie consiously makes for herself, so we don't need to agree with it as much as we wonder if it was worth what happens to her.

i'm still juggling this myself, but i do also, again, wonder whether there's a better answer for this when we're also still actively fighting to end rape culture. take law and order:svu, for example. if you think about it, the show functions a bit like a rape-revenge film in terms of its ethics. there are, again, clear heroes and villians in terms of the crimes presented in them. survivors are still the hereos and are met (for the most part) with compassion and validity. rapists are the villians and met with (again, for the most part) condemnation. instead of the survivor taking justice into their own hands, we follow them as they attempt to work their way through the criminal justic system, which acts as a friend to them until the final verdict. sometimes sentences are granted and sometimes they are not, which, unlike the fantasy of rape-revenge films, is the aspect that actually reflect the current state of our culture. 

on the newest episode of the show titled "the long arm of the witness", the court proceedings went quite differently that i expected. typically, you can tell whether or not the rapist is going to jail. in this case, i truly believed the man was going to get off easy because they made it a point to emphasize that the key witnesses were refusing to tesify and that without them, he would be found not guilty. as usual though, things turn around and he ends up taking a plea deal. however, in the last few minutes of the episode, the judge asks if the defense was satisfied with that. the survivors and their atternoy state that they are, but the judge states that she isn't and actually sentences him to jail, which, of course, delighted everyone, including me. however, as with the ending of these rape-revenge films, its a short lived celebration because that one decision does very little to change the entire culture. while we can hope that case can act as an example for the kinds of changes that need to happen, the key word in that statement is: hope. the reason you don't see many films about people seeking justice through the criminal justice system is because it is unlikely to happen as rape is unfortantely an easy crime to get away with. for now, as a society, the only comfort for many suvivors, like myself, is being able to watch films like m.f.a, promising young woman and even i spit on your grave, because it allows us to exist in a world where people are actually held accountable for their crimes and for that, its what makes these films worth discussing.

it's been a year since i deleted all the dating apps from my phone. i know most people don't think its the  big feat that i am making it out to be, but i really had to pat myself on the back when i finally swiped that annoying flame app into the trash where it belonged. however, it wasn't just tinder, i ditched absolutely all my dating apps. cold turkey.

tinder. hinge. bumble. hot or not. coffee meets bagel. facebook dating. all of them.

i was possibly, inappropriately early to the online dating game back in my late high-school/early college days. i don't quite remember how i found out about tinder, but when i signed up, i truly almost lost my mind. however, the plethora of little ceasars style hot n' ready coitus was enough to turn any sexually available young person into a bit of an addict, which we will get to later. this toppled with the fact that dating apps are structured as some sort of game where the winnings were just an actual response to something you had to say. WITH WORDS. SENTENCES EVEN. NOT. EMOJIS. i think the worst part of my experience on dating apps was the fact i didn't realize how attached i was to "winning" this hypothetical game until i threw in the hypothetical towel, chucked up a deuces and walked off the court.

i thought that somehow finding "my person" would suddenly mean that all bets were off and that i'd won the "game." however, i did find someone on dating apps, but we opened our relationship, wanting to get more from said dating game because we needed more. soon realized that this game i'd created for myself ran a little deeper than finding a single person that would complete me because i had done all the work and i still wasn't complete. however, outside of the crippling mental illness, i was actually quite content with myself. i knew i had some growing to do, but, before i deleted my apps, i constantly associated my own personal growth with the growth i did in the relationships i got from these apps. that "more" that i thought i needed was "more" sexual and intimate relationships with other people and thus, online dating became the perfect fix for a problem that i didn't think i had: a problem with being alone.

dating apps always preach the message that their goal for people to delete their app. that is a lie. that's essentially where the aforementioned game comes into play. you sign up, swipe, exchange a few messages here-and-there, go on a few bad dates or maybe even a few good dates, have a little sex and maybe, just, maybe, you'll meet your match. 

and then what? 

yes, there are benefits from dating apps: sex, validation, and even, if you're lucky, a meaningful relationship or two. maybe you'll get married, have a few kids or so? or maybe you don't? but what happens when you don't want a conventional relationship with kids and a wedding? what do you when you're not with the significant other you spent so much time trying to find? what happens to the shit you liked to do before you started dating them that you ditched in order to find them? obviously, we live in a progressive society that teaches people that YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. you can get the happy ending that you see in rom-coms AND still have a life of your own (or at least you're supposed to), but i think that society makes you forget that all of that is possible and that, finding love isn't anyone's biggest problem, its figuring out what to do outside of that.

when i dated online, it consumed me. whether it be swiping on people, responding to messages, editing my profile, checking out the profile updates of my other matches and even just analyzing all the shit people were saying to me, i probably spent most of my time on dating apps. the tinder notification literally gave me the kind of adrenaline rush that mfs get from doing key bumps in the club. it was sickening. however, deleting dating apps forced me figure out other ways to spend my time besides looking for love and really enjoy that time. in deleting my dating apps, i got my life back. i started looking in front of me and noticing what was there the entire time: that fact that i already had love in my life.

love from my partner. love from my friends. love from my family. love from myself.

i realized that even if i wasn't actively looking for love, i still deserved love and i was going to get it, even if it wasn't at that exact second. the kind of love that people think they're getting the moment they match with someone wasn't going anywhere, even though i wasn't swiping on people. i wasn't wasting time focusing on my own life, i was building the kind of life for myself that i thought i could only get from other people. the kind of life that i thought i couldn't have or that, at least, i wouldn't be happy having if i was single.

although i do find myself wondering, especially now during a pandemic, how i'm going find new people to date, but the thing is, since i deleted the apps, my life really hasn't changed. i'm still not going on dates. i'm still not meeting anyone worthwhile. hell, i didn't even really get much sex from the apps, so the decline in my sex life wasn't that drastic of a change. but, at least, i don't have to worry whether or not someone is going to send me a picture of their penis. i also haven't had to worry about the slew of  3 AM "u up?" texts from people who only knew me by a first name and a photo. although it was fun to go around and screenshot the massive amount of text messages i got from white men calling me a "nubian queen",  i had spent so much of my life worrying about matches and romance that i forgot that i deserved much more than a one-word response and a thumbs-up emoji from someone who could not comprehend the idea that my hair could go from waist-length braids to short and curly in the matter of a few days.

i deserved someone who could make me feel as good as i made myself or at least, a fraction of that, a quarter of that, an OUNCE OF THAT. dating is supposed to be fun. dating apps made that process into a full-time job. i already had one and moreover, most of the people on them were definitely not putting in the same work as me, so we definitely didn't deserve the same title at the same company. and i sure as hell didn't want to feel like i needed that job when i could have just a more fun freelancing, making my own schedule and booking meetings with actual clients who could "deliver."

i know that i jumped around a lot with various euphemisms about dating, but at the end of the day, the message is: you do not need dating apps. they need you.  your self-worth isn't and shouldn't be determined by an algorithm. people aren't just faces on a feed. when you get on an app, your focus shouldn't be to delete the app and how many people you're meeting, how the people on the app make you feel about yourself outside of it.

the introduction to amazon's new show, the wilds, really hit home for a lot of reasons. not because the show is essentially about young girls being stranded on deserted island. not because the girls had to fend for themselves with barely any food or fresh water. not even because they're obviously extremely traumatized from what happened on the island and being forced to relate what happened to two grown men. it is because of how each of the girls talk about how they were better off on the island alone because of how poorly they were treated by society before they fully cut off from it.

each episode focuses on a different girl and the very different experiences they've had that led them to getting put on the plane that crashed-landed on the island that they're currently inhabiting. one of the girls is named leah, (sarah pidgeon) who is dealing with her first heartbreak. it's very real and very painful, but, what we learn later (which those mf annoyingly scientists gloss over), is that her relationship was with a 30-year old man. she is very evidently, the main character of the group. we spend the most time with her outside of the group and she is the one that leads the monologue that sets up one of the most important parts of the show: that, we, as a society, are failing teenage girls.

"here's what i remember. i remember not being enough. i remember wanting to be more. i remember the dark moods. the violent moods. the moods nobody had any patience for. and then there was the brutal social scene, which some girls could just glide through. they belonged everywhere and you were just trying to belong somewhere. i remember the ridiculous expectations they had for us, like we were supposed to be these golden gods 24/7. i remember the responsibilities, heavy burdens meant for adults, forced upon us before out time; responsibilities, that make you think, "yeah this is definitely fucking with my healthy development right now." and don't get me started on the impossible problem of sex. if you were terrified of it, which you had every reason to be, you'd be deemed a frigid chastity bitch, but if you were unafraid, like it was just naturally your thing, then god, help you. the world is dangerous place for a sexually evolved girl. and on top of that there was this new feeling; this sick, ugly feeling of wanting to love and to be loved back, which never ends well, so if we're talking about what happened out there, then, yeah, there was trauma. but being a teenage girl in normal ass america, that was the real living hell.

and leah is right. she later states something along the lines of "when you go looking for our trauma, don't go look on that fucking island." obviously, a plane crash is more than traumatic enough to send someone over the edge, but we soon find out at the end of the first episode (which this isn't a spoiler, its in the amazon description), the plane crash was faked. these girls will not be finding their way off the island because that's where were supposed to be there in the first place. 

although the girls are pitted against each other for survival, it is clear that all of them are victims; not only to society, but also to gretchen kline (rachel griffiths) who is the mastermind behind the plane crash. at its core, the island is a fucked up social experiment that gretchen believes will help the girls become their true selves. much like in leah's monologue, gretchen recognizes that young women are not only pushed to extreme lengths to become who society says they should be, but she decides the solution is to forcibly strip them of those societal expectations....while they are also struggling to survive??

its a flawed theory because not only does it feel like a full crime (and probably is to some extent), but what she fails to realize is that she is using these girls in the same way that society does: as tools. 

the most damaging thing of it all is that all of this suffering that teenage girls are subjected to is often written off as a "rite of passage. its a cycle of harm that starts early and will affect them when they're much older. moreover, its all written of as just this normal teenage experience, but the things these girls have to deal with are not normal and the ways that the adults around them try to pacify their daughters' feelings is also not normal. well, they are, but they shouldn't be. these girls are kids, but they're not allowed to simply be kids. they're working physically demanding jobs to support their families. they're taking care of their family members when they have no one else to turn to. they're pushing their bodies to the limit in order to succeed or be pushed aside for someone younger, smaller and more fit. they're told to smile in the face of death. they're told to be perfect, pretty, agreeable. they're taught to never let anyone else see any other side of them or they'd have to face the consequences. what these are consequences, you ask? 

rejection.

rejection from their peers. rejection from their families. rejection from potential lovers. rejection from the world.

teenage girls are introduced to rejection at a very early age. however, instead of being taught on how to cope with it, they're taught about how to avoid it. they're taught how to combat it. they're taught how to behave, so that they won't have to face rejection, but the world is already stacked against them from the moment they're able to think for themselves, so its only a losing battle from there. and as for the girls on the island, the things they're being led to believe on this island is all a lie.  the island isn't real. the food they find is sourced to them on a schedule. they're working on a timeline that they are not aware of. one day they will have to return home and although they have grown from their experiences, they will either have to bring those home and adapt or revert completely back into their old lives, but like leah says, "what was so fucking great about the lives we left behind?"

obviously there is much about these girls that is left to the imagination. there are other girls dealing with situations unlike leah's and my own. rachel (reign edwards) is dealing with an eating disorder as a result of her trying to stay fit for diving. nora (helena howard) is her doting sister who is grappling with her sister's disorder. shelby (mia healey) is a budding teen pageant star who has been primed her whole life to be perfect and sweet and realizes that's not what she wants. these are just a few of the girls, but there are a few more who are also dealing with their own significant life traumas. the island squad features various people of color, including two Native American characters, but the thing that rings true to all these girls is that regardless of how they feel about what is going on in their lives, they're never quite taken seriously by anyone around them; they're always told how they should handle the things that are happening to them.

don't be angry. don't be sad. don't do this. don't do that. be like this. this kind of judgemental and controlling behavior is what the girls begin emulate on each other because its what's been taught to them their entire lives. however, its not till they get to the island that they realize that no one is judging them except each other and moreover, that they don't have to be that way. they can simply just be themselves.

and that means a lot when we have girls coming from a society that tells them that their interests are not good enough; that the things that make them happy are not good enough; that they are not good enough. when teenage girls have interests, they're always deemed as less important. think about the ways that popular YA media is shunned by general public even though its not catered to them. black christmas (2020). the craft: legacy. twilight. after. the kissing booth. these are examples of media that is catered to teenage girls that absolutely no one takes seriously. people are generally just like, "OH THIS WASN'T THE STUFF I WAS USED TO WHEN I WAS A TEEN, SO IT MUST BE GARBAGE. like, no, you just grew up without instagram or twitter or the studios fear of audiences being alienated by an R rating. you grew up with aol messenger and yahoo music and sex and gore on your televisions without having to pay extra to watch it on HBO Max or Netflix. i watched the poughkeepsie tapes (2007) MYSPACE for god's sake, so, no, the female-led, cheesy, teeny bopper movies are not for you, 30-year-old movie letterboxd movie critics trashing it online.

and it doesn't mean that these films deserve any oscars, but they deserve some semblance of respect for the sake of their audience. the kissing booth is an awful movie. period. there's truly not much to say on it except that its source material was a 15-year old's story on wattpad. therefore, not only is that beyond my age demographic to understand, but there is probably an entire world of things that went into it that most people know nothing about. the girl who wrote the book could talk about these things, but no one will listen to them because 30-year-olds trashed the movie online consistently. in the case of 2020's feminist-slasher romp, black christmas, it was a film geared to get young girls into horror. however, as with the kissing booth, it was written off as a joke compared to the 90s version because no one could see it as its own thing: a thing for an entirely different generation of teens. i mean, the films are rated PG-13 for a reason. 

however, regardless of the topic, the most important take from engaging with YA media is that we should be listening to the people that the media is FOR, not silencing them with out takes because they're seemingly superior because we are older; because they aren't and we aren't. superior, that is. there's often this impulsive that many adults, especially cis-men (yes, this is still for you 30-year old letterboxd-ers) to harshly critique YA media simply because its for teens. we think they want to see and engage with all of the things that shaped us, but, frankly, the things we liked may be a little outdated and that's fine. this doesn't mean we have to sit back and accept the slew of wattpad-dramas-turned-netflix-originals as these cinematic masterpieces, but we can work to unpack how they work for a younger audience in both a critical and empathic manner. 

the wilds is an example of a show that is helping older audiences do both. not only because the show is just good, but because it doing it in way that allows use to view the damage we've caused young girls in the first place. and that while we may have a long way to go reverse that damage, its only if we can begin to, instead of trying to think like them, really listen to what they have to say and help them heal in the process.

2020 was wack. we all know this for a fact. i don't think i need to go through the bad things that happened this year as we are all well aware that the pandemic fucked up everyone's life in some facet. and if not, well, good for you, but this isn't the place for you. this a space for people working on their goals; not insanely wealthy, 1%'s that drive a tesla and have never had to put back the fancy vegan cheese because rent was due in a few days and that little $7 will matter at some point.

elon musk would never read this blog, but if, by some chance, you are elon musk and you are reading this blog...fuck you, elon musk.

this a space for people looking to learn how to become WINNERS. 

when i say winners, i really just mean, we are going to become people that put themselves first and thus, win some self-respect. i think the best thing about being trapped in my house for most of the year was the fact that i had to do this to some extent or i was going to drive myself crazy.  2020 taught me how to prioritize myself, but, instead of letting those lessons fall by my wayside, i am bringing them into 2021-and beyond and becoming the kind of person i want to be. the kind of person that uses dryer sheets because its good for your clothes. the kind of person that just goes to a restaurant and eats by themselves for no reason (yes, i fully walked to a local diner, got takeout and ate it on the curb). i am going to be the kind of person that takes naps even when they're not depressed. i'm going to be the kind of person that doesn't feel i'm going to be the kind of person that blocks people and forget that they died simply because i don't care about what they have to say. and most importantly be okay with that decision even if it makes them upset!

believe me, clicking that unfollow button is as easy as ordering pizza. that residual guilt will pass with time - (whether it be over the thought of how that person will look when they no longer see the "follows you" tab next to your name or the cost of large pie vs. a medium)

as painful as it is to say this new year calls for a "new me" (forgive me).  i do recognize that most people won't be as accepting of these changes. some of their complaints will be valid, but you know what? if it is not infringing on their life choices, then that has nothing to do with me. this is why i use the phrase "choosing violence" for my new 2021 persona. am i going to pull a cupcakke and release a diss track coming for everyone within a 20 foot radius of me? no, because i am not crazy and cannot rap. am i going to be actively throwing hands in 2021 with people that cross me? maybe because i am truly tired of anti-maskers, but while i don't think quite enough people got their asses handed to them due to the pandemic, i will not necessarily be giving people smoke all the time because i have other things to do.

and that's the point i will be highlighting today: i have things to do. you have other things to do, dear reader.

when i say i am choosing violence, i simply mean i am going to begin taking up space that i did not previously occupy before. i am also going to be using my voice to say what i mean and mean what i say. i am going to, again, be putting myself first and that's going to make some people quite uncomfortable, especially the people who are A. too insecure to do these things for themselves and B. the people who i allowed to treat me crazy in the past.

i usually don't make a resolutions lists because it is really hard for me to summarize my own growth and in the course of a year without someone else (namely, my therapist) telling me that i've grown. however, this year, i want to be able to pay myself on the back for doing things for myself. this is namely because i may be losing my therapist when i move to chicago, but also because i want to personally be able to look at myself in the mirror in 2022 and be like, "you see that right there, that's growth" and not just be referring to way that my face looks like.

i think the hardest part about that is because often, i feel like when i take too much pride in myself and the things i do, its just narcissistic and wrong. every time i talk to my therapist and i tell her about some of the things i am doing like, this blog, or getting a ton of new instagram friends, or the things i read about online that week and what i thought about them or just about the fire selfie i just took, i apologize because i'm like "whoops, that's me being narcissistic" and she's like "is it though?"

and she's right, its not. not only should i not be complaining because i am literally paying this woman to listen to me complain, but i think, especially as someone who was socialized as a woman for most of their life, its hard to just take pleasure in myself because often, in doing so, people like to put you down for it. i know that i am not actually the main character of a coming-of-age film. there are people and things and like, an entire world around me that does not in fact, revolve around me, but that doesn't mean i can't live my life like it does.

now i know that my support of the "main character syndrome" reads like i am telling people to go out and be selfish and chaotic, but, i am not because that would be inflicting actual violence on the world. but, get this: people are inherently selfish beings. we are built to survive and do what is best for us, so my thing is: why not just do that? what is so wrong with taking time for ourselves, seeking fulfillment in ourselves and just, taking a chance on ourselves? what is so wrong with eating your roommates' leftovers? stealing from [redacted]? pissing in the bushes in broad daylight when you can't make it to your 3rd floor apartment?

absolutely nothing. we can all still be good people with poor bladders and look out for other people while doing all of these things. they are not mutually exclusive. i just think we need to rethink this negative idea of selfishness that we've been taught because believing and accepting that there are some things that are out of my control and simply moving is not selfish. making decisions that will put me on track to doing what i want to do with my life is not selfish. and lastly, removing people that do not fit into that narrative is not selfish.

its healing.

however, if others would like to perceive it violence, that is perfectly fine. the concept of  putting yourself first can be quite controversial to people who aren't emotionally apt at doing things for themselves. this isn't because they don't see you as capable in being able to doing things for yourself as much as they aren't used to that behavior and how uncomfortable that makes them because they aren't used it. the most important thing that you can do is to set clear and open boundaries about how you're choosing to live your life. boundaries that others can provide input on, but not dictate.

i also think the hardest thing about keeping a list like this is because its hard to recognize the difference between big, ultra life-changing choices and others that just make you a decent person that everyone should be doing. sometime setting simple realistic goals like finishing off one container of almond milk before i buy another one, so that one of them doesn't end up going bad in the back of my fridge just doesn't feel revolutionary enough. it is to some degree, but i think that's something i also need to shake because the big "revolutionary" changes may sound good in theory, but that doesn't that they're the best for me at this point in my life.

for example, am i going to lose 30 pounds this year? realistically, i could if i wanted to and it would be good for me, but that's really just not going to happen because i am of sound mind and body and i like what i look like. can i drink more water and try to eat better? sure, but if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. however, i will be focusing on how to make myself feel better about how i look at any size because i can and will do that.

another motto that i've developed for 2021 and beyond is this: normalize revoking people's access to your life when they cross your boundaries. another aspect of 2020 that i got behind is this idea of physical isolation bubble. only certain people that you love and trust could get in that bubble and when they let someone into that bubble it expanded and they were a part of your bubble and, so forth. i think that creating this isolation bubble and really thinking about the kind of people i allowed into physical space due to the pandemic really forced me to evaluate the emotional access that i give to people as well.

treat the emotional access you give to people like a spot on "close friends" story list. 

not everyone deserves that spot. 

however, again, these tips might come off as a little controversial, or, i will say, emotionally violent to those who have taken advantage of you for so long. i don't consider them to be, but others may, and so, here are some phrases that you can use when people are warning you against "choosing violence."

@babyjfromtexas

EVERYONE NEEDS TO HAVE THIS ENERGY!!! ##2021

♬ original sound - Margo

enjoy!

2020 has been a complete and utter dumpster fire. (no puns intended) the only thing to bring me any solace was music. i could be basic by beginning this post by saying the typical "music has saved my life" mumbo-jumbo, but i will save that for a later time. i wish i had a better excuse for being less consistent with this blog than i wanted to, but, frankly, i don't really have a good reason, so let's pretend i did.

i trust you all have been on your best behavior, staying indoors and wearing a mask and whatnot, and if you haven't...

well, damn that's crazy...

but the new year is almost upon us and i've determined to be on some fresh stuff for 2021 and not just because i upped and moved my entire life 5 hours up north. that's right. i've finally moved to chicago. and if we're also talking accomplishments, let's also just talk about how i consistently went to about 90% of my therapy appointments (thanks, cynthia). i also deleted all my dating apps (also, thanks to cynthia). and lastly, i also unfollowed everyone that i found remotely irritating and am now pretending that they died because their internet presence felt like an attack on my personal well-being. BUT what kind of year would it be without some sort of wrap-up buzzfeed-type list. i thought that i would like to close this year off with some albums that have truly brought me the kind of peace of mind that i never thought i could achieve during a literal pandemic. 

interestingly, a few years ago, as much as i loved music, i was terrified of sharing how much i loved it. i truly thought that i was clinically insane from the physical and emotional sensations that i would get from hearing a good song. good music makes me cry. good music makes me feel alive. good music makes me feel like i could be shot by a gun and still keep throwing it back at the club. i didn't go to shows alone and i don't think i am quite there yet to go alone, but i'm more than confident in talking about music critically and sharing my love for music with other people at shows without feeling insecure that my taste was either way too weird or not good enough for the people i was sharing it with.

am i a bit annoying about it? sure. i mean i started a whole blog about my own interests as if it wasn't enough to just talk about them in regular conversation.

but, nothing beats hearing a good song and moreover, nothing beats being able to be open about how good music makes me feel and sharing that experience with others. (seriously, my 55-year-old ex-coworker sends me music on facebook messenger)

so, here i am sharing these thoughts with you....dear reader.  

i will also preface this by saying that these are listed in no order whatsoever. i like what i like. i enjoy what i do for VERY SPECIFIC REASONS (all of which i will list here). if 2020 has done anything, it has kept my musical memory bank fed. if you'd like more insight into what i am listening to on a regular basis, check out my newsletter, where i post a weekly curated list of tunes.

for a playlist featuring all the top hits from the albums that i'm about to discuss, click here.

thundercat - it is what it is - drunk was better, BUT i will say that there's evident growth in this album. its cohesive, and oddly more intimate and personal than drunk, showing an unexpectedly matured and musically elevated side to thundercat, but there's not much going on outside of that and on top of that, it lacks the sort of funky, experimental, playfulness that you typically associate with thundercat, but its still a strong album nonetheless. top tracks: funny thing, dragonball durag, unrequited love, overseas

open eagle mike - anime, trauma and divorce - i like this album because i am a headass, unfortunately. but all, jokes aside, this album bangs hard. much like a lot of other rappers i enjoy, anime, trauma and divorce is a lot about just that: anime, trauma and divorce. or moreover, how we choose to give our pain depth to contextualize. its an honest and refreshing take on how life doesn't always go the way we want and how even so, we might just be okay in the end, but told like an episode of courage the cowardly dog. top tracks: headass (idiot shinji), sweatpants spiderman, the black mirror episode, i'm a joestar (black power fantasy)

food house - food house - probably one of the most exciting of the bunch on this list. this album is eclectic and almost audibly overwhelming in the best way possible. moreover, even though, like 100 gecs' 1000 gecs, it presents itself with a meme-like demeanor and doesn't itself too seriously, the production DEMANDS your attention and you give it your full attention to take it all in and understand it as if it were tackling very serious issues. top tracks: mos thoser, metal, pharmacy

070 shake - modus vivendi -  i think the first time i heard this album, i fully got whiplash. i literally had to sit on the floor and listen to it in its entirety after it was recommended to me on instagram. its hard to believe that this a debut with as heavy, emotionally fueled and tightly bound it is without letting any of that weigh it down in the slightest. top tracks: guilty conscious, come around, divorce, rocketship, microdosing

flo milli - ho, why is you here - i've played at least one song off this album since it came out. i adore watching Black women succeed, especially dark skinned Black women who have been paid dirt. flo milli really has never really gotten and still isn't getting the  mainstream attention i would like her to. she needs to be a household name and not just amongt gen zers like myself. CRITICALLY ACCLAIM THIS ALBUM ASAP! top tracks - not friendly, beef flomix, pussycat doll, in the party, like that bitch.

devonwho - offworld - an instrumental experience described by a friend as "dream pop meets footwork." i'm not to familiar with their work outside of this album, but they're surely an artist that i've got my eyes on and one that i was really happy to discover this year. top tracks: soap, blas, tangent

machinedrum - a view of u - also one of my favorites from the year from its features (which includes....father...freddie gibbs, tanerelle?? amazing!) to the sort of maddening progression of its wide range of sounds to disjointed dissonance it has from vocal presence that somehow just works with all that it has going on...this album is a masterpiece. top tracks: the relic, wait 4 u, sleepy pietro, spin blocks, believe in you

lido pimienta - miss colombia - this is a reminder for myself that i should be listening to more non-english music. there's such a complexity that i am not used to in this album, but, this may be just because i am used not used to the sound. however, i am not mad at it. i want more. top tracks: te queria, nada, reisto y ya

tkay maidza - last year was weird, vol 2. - this album just made me happy. it made me feel like making a bunch of shuffling tik toks on my kitchen counter or something. its fresh, confident and dynamic and says and does all the sorts of things i want to be doing with my life, but have yet to accomplish, but serves to prove that i still have time and things can and will look up no matter how "weird" they may get. top tracks: 24k, awake, don't call again

tops - i feel alive - this quiet and endearing feat never fails to make me smile. it glitters in remembrance, familiarity and comfort in such a modern, bold and engaging way. this album feels like a warm hug on a sunny day and moreover, a genuine hug which is especially helpful after the year we've had. top tracks: direct sunlight, i feel alive, ballads & bad movies, colder & closer

good news - megan thee stallion -  miss stallion demands attention with her presence and such about everything she does and this album is no different. while i don't love it as a whole, it, again, obviously has such a strong presence and its doing so many different things that i felt compelled to keep listening to it over-and-over. top tracks: shots fired, circles, what's new, girls in the hood, don't stop.

the weeknd - after hours - now THIS is what starboy should have been. after hours feels more lived in. more true and tried and moreover, the tracks on it feel more developed and work better to paint the sort of image of who the weekend is, rather than what he's been through. top tracks: save your tears, hardest to love, blinding lights.

vze - vzepop vol 3. - i do bang vol. 2 more, but this album is still a vibe because it breeds the confidence of something greater coming; something i can't quite put my finger on, but something i am quite excited for. vze reminds me a lot of the mid 2000s duo, millionaires, which is why i am drawn to them and moreover, why this album made this list, but don't be fooled, the production has much more depth than what they were doing back then, so it does do something for the ears and the heart. - top tracks - freeze, BNZ, sideways, pop

sawayama - rina sawayama -  much like the entirety of the hyper-pop genre, this album fueled my nostalgia for all sounds that were early 2000s, but it does so in such a masterful way. i think that's what i like about rina as an artist; her ability to tap into the sounds of yesterday and still make them found fresh and less overwhelming than other artists tend to do. there's some heavy britney spears influence as well as some evanescence, and nu-metal (which WHO SAW THAT COMING??) and i mess with the variation HEAVILY. top tracks: xs, comme des garçons (like the boys), bad friend, akasaka sad.

jam city - pillowland - this album is what the inside of my head would look like on any given day. imagine it being a mix of distorted, dream pop tracks. that's what this is and that is why i like it so much. top tracks: pillowland, sweetjoy, they eat the young, climb back down

cookii - blossom - more hyperpop nonsense! if it makes me feel like i'm 15 again, it works, especially when you have tracks like "not that inna u" which sounds like an avril lavigne song. top tracks: like like, coco cola, not that inna u

yves tumor - heaven to a tortured mind - i said i would never stop talking about this album when it came out in april and i have YET to stop. a very consistent and very powerful work of psychedelic noise-rock and probably my favorite album of the year. it feels like a classic in the making due to the fact that it is SO powerful that it has lingered in my mind for so long. while it features many of the typical rock tropes of heartbreak, loneliness, sensuality and seduction it holds it all together with a sort of noisy, distorted growl to make it stand a part from the likes of anything else out here today. top tracks: super stars, gospel for a new century, kerosene, a greater love.

charli xcx - how i'm feeling now - i expect to write about it at some point, but for now, i will just write it off as: simply amazing. how i'm feeling now is a BEAST in terms of production, lyrics and overall tone of capturing how it feels to be a person living in a pandemic. at some points the album is overwhelming, some points are intimate, some are loud, some are just painful, but each track makes you FEEL something and for me, i felt something DIFFERENT with each listen. top tracks: claws (i had a crush on someone and they lowkey ruined this song for me, but the vibes are still off the charts), anthems,  detonate.

100 gecs - 1000 gecs and the tree of clues - i love that the newgrounds type, meme beats i listened to in middle school are coming back. i really don't know how to describe 100 gecs other than eclectic, (much like with food house/gupi/fraxiom), but the thing i like the most about this is that all the remixes feel lived in and different from their predecessors. i won't say that they are better because that would take away from the unique value of the OG tracks, but i will say that this album and the gecs overall, specialize in transcending the ironic, meme-like personas that people place on them. they've evolved their sound to evoke an oddly intimate, seductive whiplash effect and its something that never fails to draw.  top tracks: 745 sticky (black dresses remix), gecgecgec ft. lil west & tony velour remix, came to my show, ringtone ft charli xcx, rico nasty, and kero kero bonito.

tennis - swimmer - my love affair with this band continues....read my thoughts in a more coherent way here. top tracks: need your love, how to forgive, runner, swimmer.

weight of the world - MIKE - powerful, compelling and i even dare to say, experimental, this album is one of the best produced pieces i've heard all year that sort of capture the sort of mental experiences that most rap albums do, but without relying just on the lyrics to capture that journey.  top tracks: love supremacy, no no, plans, weight of the word*, allstar

crush - that kidd - while you could write it off as a collection of party hits and sickly, sweet hyper-pop jams, i think this embodies and works to transcend the sort of long forgotten aesthetic of mid-2000s music that's been long due for a revival. top tracks - captain, taco bell, kiss me, kiss me thru the phone

what's your pleasure - jessie ware - disco ain't dead and jessie is making sure of that, but in a way that sort of explores how much of a facade the entire genre is once you really think about it. it taps its the lustful longing and yearning that the embodies the disco genre and instead of fun tracks that make you forget about it all, jessie tackles them headfirst in a fun, crafty way. top tracks - what's your pleasure, in your eyes, spotlight, step into my life, the kill

bree runway - 2000AND4EVA - this is an album i've been pumped for! its an unapologetic, high energy, genre-bending banger that honestly just screams "KELIS"! when i say that, i mean, it really encapsulates kelis' ability to experiment and play around so much in a single album without throwing certain elements off, and not feeling calculated. plus, the sound really just brings you back to the things that she was doing and you really can see that with that missy elliot feature, but she also makes it clear who she is and what she's doing to set her apart from other rappers. top tracks: gucci (ft. malibu mitch), damn daniel (ft. yung baby tate), atm (ft missy elliot), apeshit.

chloe x halle - ungodly hour - i sound more coherent while talking about how great this album here! please, read, but know that its great. top tracks:  tipsy, ungodly hour, forgive me, lonely, ROYL

u.s girls - heavy light - this album is sensual, eerie and poetically rich. there's so much here and i really wish i was smart enough to decipher it all, but nonetheless, the substance is pleasing to my ears. top tracks: 4 american dollars, overtime, and yet it moves / y se mueve, woodstock '99

fiona apple - fetch the bolt cutters - heavily political, highly emotional and overall, a mind-boggling experience for one-and-all. this album picked my brain like no other and basically encapsulate what it means to "scream off into the void where no one will hear you" and sort of be okay with that for until its time to scream again. top tracks: i want you to love me, fetch the bolt cutters, shameika, under the table, ladies, on i go.

dua lipa - future nostalgia - dua lipa really did what she needed to do with this album. although i have to say that i really have to physically remind myself about this album at times, its still safe to say that dua lipa is bringing back the 80s and shows that you CAN do this and still reinvent the wheel in a very dynamic way. we really need a comeback of white girl pop music like this.  top tracks - don't stop now, break my heart, love again. 

steve lacy - the lo-fis - this may be a hot take, but i really wasn't a fan of apollo xxi. it was a more refined and better sounding version to what i am used to hearing steve lacy's music, but it felt...different. it didn't feel like him. this, however, does. this album encapuslated the lo-fi (hence the title), DIY, experimental appeal that drew me into him in the first place. its the same reason why i didn't like thundercat's newest album, but, unlike thundercat, steve lacy gains his momentum back with this release. top tracks: atomic vomit, cocky girl, uuuu, jars of it.

the avalanches - we will always love you - a late addition to the game that i don't have much to say about, but i will say that between the clean mixing and the very unexpected, but very favorable samples, (THE alan parsons project) this album pulls every single punch and doesn't stop. this album could have been a mess because its doing a lot, but it doesn't and that's what makes it so damn good. top tracks: intersellar love, the divine cloud, reflecting light, oh the sunn!, take care in your dreaming, music makes me high.

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